Separated at Birth: Guys and Dolls Edition

I’ve never been a fan of John Travolta’s. I don’t care that he’s bisexual (and he is, trust) but his sleazy attempts to pick up bartenders and masseuses who are just trying to do their jobs……ech. Plus the Scientology shit - that’s grosser than a happy ending any day. So I was mildly amused the other day to note that JT has gone from this:

Which is already gnasty as far as I’m concerned - you can totally tell by looking at him that he’s one of those guys who gets his sloppy lips all over your face when he kisses and you end up with sticky bad-breath spit all around your mouth and in your nose. Ew. Plus he has a butthole in his chin. To this:

Which to me is indistinguishable from this:

And makes me want to do this:

Also, check out JT’s 3 a.m. mistake. Actually, I think this one is Zac Efron’s mistake, if someone has to own it:

Watch out, Zac! We know you’re a bottom and Trav looks like a guy who’s swingin’ some serious pipe. Remember your three most important things: LUBE, LUBE, and LUBE.

Moving on, there’s all this shit going on around Dr. Phil today. I guess his staff bailed some gangbanger out of jail so he could interview her and now everyone’s in a tizzy. Whatever, I won’t be concerned about Dr. Phil unless he shows some good judgment and doesn’t stick his fat mug into everyone’s business because that means Armageddon is here.

I don’t want to waste any more time on this douchebag, here is the SAB:

The only diff between the two is one has a tendency to wear way too much tinted lip gloss.

In other news, Beaker McConahayisforhorses showed up to his “Fool’s Gold” premiere looking like the C3PO Pez dispenser:

And rejuvenated hottie Robert Downey Jr. showed up to his “Iron Man” premiere looking like the Pee Wee Herman doll:

Whatever, DowneyFresh is SMOKIN’ these days.

And finally, a little retrospective back to a time when Mick Jagger looked like everyone’s favorite perfect doll, Angelina Jolie:

Creepy AND hot! A perfect combination. Later, cats!

Celebrities Are Goofballs Too

So much of celebrity beauty depends on rigid control of the face. Botox serves more than one purpose - it smooths out the wrinkles and makes risky facial expressions impossible. In order to maintain that perfect red carpet/photo spread image, celebrities employ either the coy, close-lipped smile or the full-on pout - there really isn’t much else. And the consequences of them actually letting the mask down and acting like human beings for a second can be charming, disarming, disturbing, and awesome. Sometimes all at once.

Case in point: Cynthia Nixon

Ok, first of all, I LOVE Cynthia Nixon. She was always my favorite on “Sex and the City” and even more so when they fixed her hair and started dressing her better (no more kelly green power suits, thanks). In real life, she is cool as hell and solidly in the HOT category.

ZING!!!

One of my favorite things about Cynthia is her wacko, goofball smile which she was more than generous with on the show. Frankly, I’ve missed it. BUT HEY GUESS WHAT

It’s back!!! Woo! This is one of the promo shots for the new “Sex and the City” movie coming out soon. Isn’t she adorable?

Another example of the goofy celebrity smile, and probably my favorite because it’s been all over the place lately, is Miss Renee Zellweger.

First off: the dependable coy smile.

And let’s stick a pout in there too, why not:

And now for the reason why Renee will always have a special place in my heart:

CUTE. I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t say it, but………..she looks SO Chinese in this picture. Like a Chinese turtle. If I had any photoshop skills I would paste one of those Asian triangle hats onto her head and a turtle shell under her chin. OH EM GEE SO CUTE.

Ok, but this one is even better. Renee has been all over the place promoting “Leatherheads” lately and I think sommmmmmebody had a little jetlag last week.

HAHAHAHAHAHA…………………SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUUUUUUUUUTE.

This is what happens when you botox the shit out of yourself, people. Adorable Chinese Turtle time.

Of course, the Tom Cruise creepy smile phenomenon is nothing new, but the worst one I’ve seen yet showed up on the interwebs today. First, the nostalgia:

Awwwwwwwwwwww……..I shed a tear for Tom. Anyway, so that’s a good pout, right?

MAKE WAY FOR THE JOWLY INSANITY:

GAHahahahahahahaha……Oh, Tom. How is possible to look like you just smelled a dead bird wrapped in a shit burrito AND be laughing hysterically? I don’t know, but I love it.

Finally, the most beautiful woman in the world. Yes, even Angelina Jolie has precious goofball smile.

First, the pout:

Hummana. Everyone who hates Angelina Jolie can suck it. You only hate her because her complete and total awesomeness is intimidating. LAME. Anyway, check out her BIG LAUGH SMILE:

GAH! Oh, sorry, wrong photo.

So THAT’S what’s behind those mattress lips! The alien retractable mouth! Fuck it, she’s warming my cockles with that goofy cuteness, and I don’t even HAVE a cockle.

That’s it for this week - have a great weekend, cat o’ mines!

Hot or Not: Mena Suvari

In this inaugural edition of Slothville’s Hot or Not feature, we take a look at quirky quirkster Mena Suvari. Heralded as an American beauty since “American Beauty,” I’ve always found something *off* about her. First of all, there’s the forehead:

The hell? How big IS her brain, anyway? Girl had BETTER be in MENSA. But a big forehead can be sexy, yes? It’s a matter of perspective. It’s kind of hot because it’s unique. So…………….ok, forehead is working. It’s what she does to cover up that forehead that has me confused.

GAH!! NOT GOOD. I think Ricky Martin wrote “She Bangs” about Mena Suvari.

So then Mena went and shaved her head which was both EXTREMELY HOT:

And EXTREMELY NOT:

I asked Penny what she thought about all this and she was like, “Dude, lay off, she’s my cousin.”

I can definitely see the resemblance.

But in general I was impressed by how well Mena rocked the bald. She didn’t go for a wig or a nasty-ass weave (ahem) and for the most part she remained solidly in the Hot category.

Um…………YUM.

The Verdict: HOT.

Was there ever any doubt?

Later cats! (And thanks to Sarah for today’s post idea.)

CKMW + Separated at Birth: Super Spawn Edition

(CKMW = Celebrity Kabuki Mask Watch)

Remember when Meg Ryan was cute and not terrifying?

Vaguely, right? Crying over Goose in “Top Gun” and faking orgasms in “When Harry Met Sally”………cute!

Well, pretty soon after she had that gross affair with Russel Crowe…

…..(*shudder*) on the set of their awful cheesefest action unpacked crap nugget of a movie, “Proof of Life,” she started to morph into the Cat in the Hat.

Enough with the Restylane, woman! Jesus Christo!

So, this tragedy has been a snowball rolling downhill for some time now.

But then, TODAY………I discovered an image that chilled me to my very core. D-Listed posted a story about the Meg Ryan facial sadness mess and it would seem that Miss Meg is the super spawn of this guy…

This guy:

And this bitch:

LOOK OUT WORLD, IT’S THE JOKUBI IN THE HAT! Ok, minus the hat.

Meg: “Could you move my jaw for me so I can stop smiling and eat?”

Tom: “DO NOT WANT.”

Later, cats!

Separated at Birth: Hunk Edition

I think we’ve discovered our theme for the week. Boys, boys, boys. Let’s continue with the latest Separated at Birth post: Brad Pitt and Robert Redford.

Brad Pitt has been morphing into Robert Redford for some time now, but every time I brought it up people said I was crazy. But THEY were crazy. CAN YOU NOT SEE WITH YOUR EYES, NAYSAYERS?

Then, last May, The Daily Mail published a tidbit that totally backed me up, complete with photo comparison:

So I was vindicated and that was that. Yay! But THEN, Angie and Brad showed up at the Independent Spirit Awards last week looking like a very hot time warp:

Oh, sorry, wrong photo.

All the goss rags were saying that Brad looked like a 70’s porn star, but all I saw was Robert Redford. I mean look at him:

All he needs is a ’stache and a dirt shower and he’s the Sundance Kid.

So that’s that. I’m right (as always) and PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE backs me up. In other (hysterical) Robert Redford news, remember back when he made a movie with Cruise and Streep that no one went to see including you? Well, the goss at the time was that Streep and Redford were bailing on most of their promotional obligations because they were both so turned off and creeped out and fed up with His Majesty Tom Cruise that they refused to even be in the same room with him. Totally plausible, right? Then today, in my Redford image hunt, I came across this photo that totally confirmed it for me:

HAHAHAHAHAHA………these two could not look more irritated.

Streep: “Stop touching me, micro man, before I shove this giant corsage down your  throat.”

Cruise: “You guys are so awesome! Thanks for sitting down so I could look taller.”

Redford: “If I sit very very still, maybe he’ll forget I’m here.”

Later, cats!

Manly Monday

Let’s start this week off RIGHT, right? To put you into a good Monday mood, here is a brief retrospective/comparison of some of our favorite boys.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m wide awake now! Happy Manly Monday, everyone!

Separated at Birth: Diva Edition

Good morning!

So, D-Listed is reporting today that Brittany Murphy is being, like, a total megabitch on the set of her new movie, which makes me kind of sad. I always thought of this chick as being kind of spaced out and silly but essentially harmless. Oh well.

Anyway, I was looking at her picture on D-Listed and what do you know? All the shit she’s had injected into her (formerly lovely) mouth has left her looking like a platypus. Check it out:

Gah!!

Her kin:

Or, even better:

Mmmmmmmmmm, kissable!

Oh, Oscar Love.

Ok, how about them Oscars? I’ve been reading a lot of complaints about how long they were and how there were a billion montages. But…….I liked the montages and I was surprised how early the show ended! AM I LIVING IN AN ALTERNATE REALITY?? *cue “Lost” music*

Anyway, I’m feeling syoooper romantic about the couple from “Once” winning for the song. It’s an amazing song and they are flat out awesome. They fell in love for real! The real life love story is even better than the fiction - how often often does that happen???

We can all thank super-creepy Cillian Murphy for being an insecure wanker and pulling out of the movie, causing them to lose their star and all of their funding and ONLY MAKING THE WHOLE THING THAT MUCH MORE ROMANTIC WHEN IT ALL WORKED OUT IN THEN END.

Wee! Thanks for being a dick, Cillian! Glen Hansard is only a million times hotter than you in every way, anyway.

And of course, no Monday would be complete without a little Penny-in-the-morning action. Enjoy.

Nicole Kidman Goes Natural

No botulism for baby!

Exhibit A: November ‘07

Exhibit B:  February ‘08

Holy shit, she looks so much better without that crap in her face. Way to go Nicole! Woo!

Reunion! *Now with important updates*

Tomorrow night I am going to meet Penny’s first foster mom, Sarah. We have spoken on the phone and by email a lot, but Penny was with another lady, Gladys, when I actually picked her up from her Waggytail foster home on the Lower East Side…almost a year ago now!

Sarah is bringing her dog Roo over to play as well. Roo has no front paws but a whole lotta spunk. Chihuahua play time!

In other, not so good news, it looks as though “Where the Wild Things Are” is being sunk, possibly because it’s ……..too cool? Let’s hope Spike Jonze wins the day on this one… I told Penny about it and she was all,

“Meh. Typical.”

And just for fun, here’s a picture of Katie Jones lugging around a giant hot water bottle for her arthritis, poor dear. Aging is never easy, is it?

Aww.

CREEPY UPDATE: A few minutes ago someone found Slothville by googling “whispering bob saget during sex.” Ungh! Nuh!

TOTALLY RAD UPDATE: We’re on CityRag, yo! WOOOOOOOO!!!