Get ready! 1…2…3…
BAM!
Aw, look at you, all bloody and lying on the floor. Don’t say I didn’t warn you - I mean, I counted to three. But it seems you are still breathing….
KARATE CHOP!
TIGER CLAW!!
PALM OF SHAOLIN!!!
And if that didn’t finish you off, congratulations. You’re the Highlander.
This is Penny’s reaction to the bucketing rain and the thunder and lightning that were ripping through our atmosphere at 8 o’clock this morning.
I got her dressed in her sweater and raincoat only to have her plant her feet and refuse to walk. I suppose I could have dragged her by the neck all the way to the bus stop, but she would have been filthy by the time we got there. Also dead, I would imagine. So I carried my shivering chihuahua to work in my arms today and now she’s sleeping in her carrier as cozy as can be.
Our bonus footage today is of Penny enjoying her Christmas present.
Yes, it’s a pig’s ear. This was the least nauseating video I took of her eating it. Fun!
In other news, I’ve decided to go for my master’s in journalism at Harvard. Also fun! I’ll have more on that later. Have a lovely weekend, cats, and stay dry!
Yes, happy birthday to me. Thuuuuuuuuurty tyoooooooo. Yeah. My dad sent me this picture today of Penny and me. She looks like something I dug up in the Pet Sematary.
Two seconds later she feasted on my brain.
Have a great day everyone! Weekdays during which we will not be required to go work are ALMOST HERE!!
But I have NO TIME. Things I want to post about this week include the latest poop on Larry Craig and the new A&E show, “Paranormal State” which is awesomely bad. But I have a Spanish test tonight, a meeting to chair tomorrow, and an oral report on Venezuela due on Thursday. Sooooo………you get more of Penny being lazy! Yeaheah!
Please enjoy this footage of Penny wishing I would just FUCK OFF ALREADY. GAWD.
Hiya folks. It’s wicked gross here - rain, sleet, ice, toads, ocean-turned-to-blood, etc. Penny was less than enthusiastic about getting up this morning. In fact, trying to get her to do anything outside these days is harder than getting hair off soap, which as everybody knows, is the hardest thing in the entire universe.
Penny is disillusioned with New England weather and who can blame her? It saaaaahcks. Here is a video that I took on Saturday of her successfully manipulating me into not taking her for a walk. I put her collar on and she immediately rolled onto her back for a suddenly-very-urgent belly rub. No time for walking, too busy being cute! The uber cuteness comes at the very end and it may destroy you with its power. You’ve been warned.
Good morning! The week begins! And to start off, here is a long-overdue Penny-waking-up weedio. It’s not from this morning, however, because this morning is wet and grey and dark and snowy and all-around crappy. It was too dark for a weedio when we woke up. Judging from her shocked and appalled behavior I am guessing that Penny has never seen snow before. She did, after all, pee and poop inside on wee pads when I first got her, so it’s well within the realm of possibility. I put her down on the snowy ground this morning in her little red raincoat and after a pause during which I could actually hear her thinking, “What…….. the……….. FUCKISTHISSHIT” she ran back through my legs and up the front steps. Poor thing. In the end, though, she was a trooper and walked all the way to the bus stop. Go Penny.
I cooked a lot this weekend. I made many salads with lemon shallot vinaigrette and sunchokes and bleu cheese. I made quinoa with garlic and shallots and greens. I made stuffed squash with roasted pine nuts and brown rice and shallots and cheese and other stuff. Yeah, I’m pretty into shallots these days. AND I made one of my very favorite things: roasted peppers!
Have you made these at home? It’s so fun. You just turn the stove burner to a high heat and plop a pepper right on there. Turn it occasionally with tongs until the whole pepper is black and crusty on the outside. It takes about 10 or 15 minutes. When it’s done, toss the pepper in a paper bag, roll it up and set it aside to cool. You can leave it in there as long as you want if you’re cooking other things in the meantime. When you’re ready, take the pepper out and run it under the tap, rubbing the charred skin off with your fingers. You wind up with a gorgeous roasted pepper!
Toss the seeds, slice it up, and add it to your favorite salads, sandwiches, or anything else you can think up.
And that’s your Slothville tip for the day. Have a great one!
Look at me, posting!
So, you all already know of my lingering fascination with the cult of personality that is Joel Osteen, possibly the worst man alive, whom I would bed without hesitation. I watch his show all the time, natch. The other night he opened his sermon with a dumb blonde joke. It was terrific, especially since his wife is blonde and very likely dumb if not completely Satanic. Remember when she went all Freddy Kruger on a Continental flight and got kicked off the plane? That was pretty rad.
Anyway, I was trolling the celeb goss the other day and found a photo of Joel Osteen with a killer tan:
Look, it’s Smokey Osteen! Man, check out those krazy eyes on Smokey Robinson, that’s the Lord’s work right there, I’ll tell you what. He looks more like Joel Osteen than Joel Osteen does!
Praise him, people. PRAISE HIMMMM!!
I showed the picture to Penny and she was considerably disconcerted.
Penny: That’s the guy you want to have crazy monkey sex with and ruin his life with blackmail and public disgrace?
Slothy: Well, that’s the black, musically talented version.
Penny: I don’t see it.
Slothy: There is hotness there. And hypocrisy. Trust.
Penny: Just make sure you get a receipt.
Slothy: What does that mean?
Penny: I have no idea.
Well, it’s that time of year again! Usually I go away for two weeks to the Outer Banks around now, but the house that my family has been staying in out there for 35 years doesn’t take pets. So this year I’m only going for five days because the thought of leaving Penny at home is killing me inside.
My roommate kindly offered to take care of Penny while I’m gone, which, as you will see, is no small task. I’m extremely agitated about leaving her here and the top vacation project this year will be checking out pet-friendly houses for next year.
Here are the Penny-care instructions I have written for my roommate. They’re fairly neurotic. Enjoy!
How to Take Care of Penny-Pie Superdog
Penny eats 3 raw chicken medallions a day. 1½ in the morning and 1½ in the evening, 12 hours later. They live in the white bag in the freezer. Every evening I take out 3 to defrost in the fridge over night.
Morning: put one and a half medallions from the fridge in her bowl and defrost in the nuker for 10 seconds (no longer) to melt remaining ice crystals. Mash the food up and add the following:
The food will disappear into Penny in approx. 1.7 seconds. Do not be alarmed. Top off breakfast with the following:
Now it’s time for walking! I always feed her before her morning walk to get the peristalsis going. Penny poops three or four times every day, so never walk her without a plastic bag in hand or you will find yourself the object of much yuppie-parent-bystander derision. (If you’re only walking her twice a day, take two bags with you every time!)
*When Penny drops a little kumquat-sized poo next to a giant turd left behind by some loser who forgot to bring a plastic bag when walking his doberman, try to resist the natural tendency to despair that there is no point in picking up her tiny poo pellet when there is a much larger problem right next to it. I know, man. I know.*
When you get back from your morning walk, give her one antioxidant treat. She MUST have one of these every single day – it’s the central part of her treatment.
Afternoon: When you get home Penny will be bursting with pent-up energy. I walk her several times a day and she is still a little bottle rocket in the early evening, so be prepared. You can either walk it off with a long stroll (the neighborhood by the high school on the other side of Washington Street is perfect for this) or take her to Griggs Park and see if she’ll play with you. She likes to chase and be chased, especially if there’s a stick involved. There will be other small dog owners on the side of the park opposite the swingsets. Penny will be sort of interested in the other dogs, but she’d rather walk and play with you. Don’t let her over by the kids playground area, though, as she will be very hungry by then and liable to eat a baby.
If you want to take her on a long walk and decide to take any of the foot paths (Gardner Path, Winthrop Path, Rawson Path, etc.), which are really fun to explore, remember that she can climb those steps herself, but must not be allowed to descend them. If you are going down the steps, please carry her (see below in misc. section).
Evening: Penny must eat dinner twelve hours after breakfast in order to get her medication at the correct interval. No defrosting in the nuker required this time and no fish oil. Otherwise, follow the same procedure. Don’t forget to get 3 more medallions out of the freezer for defrosting!
After her evening walk she will not need to go out again until it’s time for bed. You don’t have to put her collar on, just take her outside in the courtyard and she will pee right away and be ready to come back in.
When you are ready to go to sleep, place her in my bed, give her a kiss (DO IT!) and tuck her in with covers. I think she’ll be ok.
Miscellaneous:
Penny can get up the front steps (see next paragraph) and the five steps in the foyer. She cannot get up any of the subsequent flights and must be carried. She must be carried down the stairs as well – all of them – I do not allow Penny to descend steps. Going down stairs is very bad for her luxating patellas (what? Trust me.) and exacerbates her arthritis.
One of the front steps has a big chunk out of it. When walking up these steps with Penny, make sure you walk in the exact spot where the gap is or else Penny will try to go up the steps there and she will fall and hit her head. I know how retarded that sounds, but she does it every time I forget.
When walking, let her sniff around, but be on the lookout for bits of food because that’s exactly what she’s on the lookout for. She hoovers as she goes and will eat anything edible (or even questionable) in her way. Preemptive strikes are better because once she has something in her mouth she will FUCK. YOU. UP. if you try to get it away from her. Unless it’s a chicken bone (deadly) or a giant bagel or something (the other day I looked down to see her dragging an entire slice of pizza), just let her have the little tidbits she finds. But feel free to gently tug her away from something she’s aiming for. It’s important for her to have no carbs right now so bread crumbs and crusts are kind of a bane.
Penny loves:
Penny hates:
Please give her as much love and affection and cuddling as you possibly can (now I’m crying typing this). It’s going to be a difficult few days for her and she will do infinitely better if she feels loved and cared about while I’m gone.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP!!
Ok, everyone, have a great week and I’ll be back to posting on Tuesday or thereabouts. Ciao!
Guhmorning!!
Last night I went on a GUILTY PLEASURES iTunes shopping spree and bought “…Baby One More Time” and “Oops!…I Did It Again” by Britney, “Bye Bye Bye” by NSYNC, “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys and “Genie In A Bottle” by Christina Aguilara.
I remain unashamed!!
But then iTunes was all, “Here are your recommendations - based on your purchase history, you will LOVE the Spice Girls! And Mandy Moore! And Hanson!” I was so offended, all “Fuck you iTunes! I’m NOT LIKE THAT! I’m COOL!”
Today I’m thinking of going after some old hairband goodies like “When the Children Cry” by White Lion, “Once Bitten, Twice Shy” by Great White and “She’s Only Seventeen” by Winger and “Cherry Pie” by Warrant. Hey, was W a popular glamrock letter in the early 90’s or what?
I’ve already stocked up on Journey’s greatest hits, Huey Lewis and the News, Pat Benetar, Genesis, Skid Row, Guns N’ Roses, Def Leppard, etc. It’s down to one-hit wonders now. Any suggestions?
Finally, Defamer brought my attention to this awesome Top Ten list of Japanese commercials featuring American celebrities. They will make you shudder with shame until you remember that Michael J. Fox made 50 bajillion dollars to clip hedges in a faggy hat and get chased around by a fat lady. Fuck it, I’d do for 5 bajillion dollars, easy.
Have a prosh weekend!
