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April 21, 2006
April 19, 2006
April 10, 2006
March 27, 2006
March 22, 2006
March 6, 2006
One-Shoe Monday
I am so busy at work today and I apologize, but I only have time for one shoe today.
This one.
This shoe (let’s call her Shoe) wants to talk to you about Celexa - which is an antidepressant, apparently. Shoe tells me (and everyone within earshot) that Celexa saved her life because she was sooooooooooo depressed and ohmygod, it was like totally a chemical thing and even though she caught her boyfriend giving her brother a blowjob while he was visiting and looking at colleges and sleeping on the couch and eating all the cereal, like no matter how much she bought he would just eat it all because he’s such a pig and now it turns out he’s a gay pig who has no respect for her relationship and ohmygod, how could he even DO that - he’s her BROTHER - it’s practically incest!! And even though she’s been having to sleep on the couch while her boyfriend and her brother “get it out of their systems” or whatever (god! there’s probably cereal crumbs in the bed!) and she’s pretty sure they’re using her vibrator for something that uh! she doesn’t even want to know about, it turns out that this whole depression thing and all that cutting she was doing with the bread knife while those two were whirrrrrrrr-ing away in the bedroom - perverts! - it was all CHEMICAL. So she got these pills called Celexa from her doctor (and also a crapload of Ritalin from one of her 8th grade science students who trades it for passing lab grades) and now she feels SO MUCH HAPPIER AND BETTER AND AWESOME ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!
Yay for MEDICINE!!!!!!!!
February 26, 2006
Shameful Shoe Monday!
Ok, so tomorrow I’ll tell you all about how my friends and I almost died in several different ways on the way home from Dan Tobin’s 30th birthday party. Good times. But we have business to attend to and attend to it we shall. Here are the shameful shoes you’ve been waiting a whole long week for.
You know what these brave soldiers need… Ok, well, they need to not die. But other than that they need FASHION! That’s right - nothing disarms the Viet Cong like a snazzy pair of cammy pumps.
Wait, which war are we losing again?
WHEN KOOSHES ATTACK!
Man, this is a CARAZY epidemic. Just ask these people:
Oh, I’m sorry, you can’t. They have all been transformed into a slick of viscera coating the pavement. Ohhhh well.
Well, it’s not like I didn’t WARN YOU GUYS!!!
Where have I seen these? Where, where, where????
If I could just get into the groove of my memory, if I wasn’t so hung up on this brain lock, if I could just remember it would beeee a holidaaaay!!
Got it!
They were on THIS bitch. (This bitch I totally idolized and wanted to be for exactly 71% of my pre-teen years, natch.)
Whaaaaaaaa???????
GodDAMN!! I could have SWORN that dude was a dude!!
Must have been all that simpering that threw me off.
And finally:
You know what would have made this experience a lot more luxuriant?
The proper toilet seat.
Even inebriated frat-boy assholes deserve a little comfort in times of need.
Happy Monday, peeps. Hope your weekend was divine.
February 20, 2006
Aaaaaand, we’re back!
With our first-in-a-while Shameful Shoe Post. I hope you’ve all been well - let’s get to it!
Well, I think we can all guess where the leather for this shoe came from…
“Get the fuck away from me Donna Karan or I will cut you!! I will CUT! YOU!!”
This Marc Jacobs shoe costs $100 and doubles as a dish strainer.
Ok, I know, I know. I’m always picking on the fuzzy boots. I can’t help it - they’re funny! Especially when they’re RAINBOW COLORED. But in this case I really just wanted to share with you one of the customer reviews of this wicked hawt boot.
“LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THEM- Ooooomy god these shoes are awesome!!!!!! I have them on right now!! THEY ARE SO COMFORTABLE AND CUTE. I can’t get enough of em! They even make your legs look skinny! I got the pink kind, YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY GO FOR IT!!!!! GET THEM! I wear an 8 and got a 9 and they fit PERFECT.”
Oooooomy god, I JUST ACCIDENTALLLLY SCRATCHED A HOLE IN MY CHEEK WHILE I WAS READING THAT!!!!!!!
Anyone who wears this boot deserves to be lured into the back of a van by a man with a fake cast on his arm and then dumped down a well and forced to rub the lotion on its skin, no questions asked.
This ONE THOUSAND DOLLAR shoe looks to me - and feel free to disagree - like it was riveted (badly) by Alec Baldwin’s chest. Alec Baldwin’s chest doesn’t have opposable thumbs (last time I checked). Perhaps that’s why so much of itself got left behind.
And finally, this handy boot is super for those times when standing in traffic, holding that cardboard sign that says, “IMA HORE WITH A DERTY ASS PLZ CAN I HAVE SUM MUNNY” starts to be a killer on the triceps. No sign needed - these babies speak for themselves.
Well………Slothville’s doors are once again open. Welcome back to crazytown!
December 12, 2005
Monday Shameful Shoe Gallery
Some days it just seems like the whole internet is broken. Grah!
After a spate of technical difficulties that left me on the verge of unprecedented violence, I offer you this week’s Shameful Shoe Gallery.
Make sure you lace up that……..sneaker! Boot! Horrible, cheap piece of human excrement! You could SAY that anyone who wears this shoe DOES NOT IN ANY WAY deserve to be strung from a tree and riddled with hollow-point bullets, but those are just words. Silly, untrue, misguided words. Let us never speak of this again.
For SOME REASON, I honestly couldn’t tell you why, this shoe is on sale for 81% off!! Why? Why? It has all the things we like about shoes: kitten heel, slingback, distracting plastic ornamentation, metallic, pointy toe, curled up pointy toe reminding us of a leprechaun, it’s charming, like Lucky Charms, like a rainbow, like a pot of gold, like a fucking leprechaun, it’s all metally and shamrocky and leprechauny, you just want to tweak its little cheeks and steal its money, am I right? Am I right? I know!
Aaaaaaaaaagghh!!! Get it off! Get it off!! Fucking mummy boot just took a chunk out of my leg!! Where the hell is Brendan Fraser when you need him? Jesus, that guy is NEVER around!
…………you know, there’s a cream for that.
Look into my swirl….you are getting verrrrrrry sleeeeeeepy….. I am a gorgeous shoe….. I am soft and comfortable and there is nothing wrong with the teal suede, loafer, sequin combination…. I am fashionable…. I am beautiful… You want to buy me…. When I click my heels you will wake up and remember nothing except that I do not in any way represent a sorry, geriatric attempt at the sparkly shoe trend….
Oh dear. This shoe has several issues. First of all, it’s gender-confused. Sweetie, if you can grow that kind of facial hair, you should consider lightening up on the pink. No, I don’t mean lighter pink! I mean, try some argyle or something. You might love it! You NEVER KNOW. Second of all, did someone forget to tell Gabriella Rocha that the “justache” went out with 70’s porn? The only guy who still embraces the justache is Ron Jeremy and NO ONE emulates THAT guy anymore.
What is this, a club? You and pink-stache up there trying to form a little group? Look, you made a valiant effort, I’ll give you that. The pink is inoffensive, your facial hair is under control, the sparklies are pretty. I can see you’ve put a lot of work into your outfit. Small, teensy problem: YOUR WING WANG IS HANGING OUT. EVERYBODY CAN SEE IT. What is this? The inept transvestite club? Man, these Unitarians will let ANYONE meet in their church basement. No standards at all, these people!
And another week gets under way! Ciao!
December 5, 2005
Monday Shameful Shoe Gallery
It’s going to be a good week - I can feel it. I’m making lists, getting ready for my party, Christmas shopping… There’s snow on the ground… My boss is late….
A kick-ass gospel choir performed at the function I went to on Thursday so my soul-food quota is filled (oh yes, I was swayin’ and clappin’, praise Jesus!) Friday I got drunk at our holiday party and then went to see “A History of Violence” which was waaaaaaaaay better than I expected it to be - thriller quota filled. Saturday went to a baby shower where I gave away my tiny mitten collection and got an earful of labor/pooping/episiotomy talk which more than filled my please-stop-talking quota. Quotas: I set ‘em up, I knock ‘em down.
Right! So here, without further ado, is our weekly Shameful Shoe Gallery. PETA style!! (mostly)
Ok, look. I don’t know what the bunny did to you. I’ve heard that they eat crops, I’ve heard some stories about carrot-stealing and leaving little blue jackets lying around, but I’m not convinced the punishment fits the crime here. A turnip goes missing and suddenly you feel that stuffing the rabbit in a wiffle ball and sticking your foot up its ass is appropriate? Jesus Christ, dude. Get some fucking perspective.
Check out this overly complicated, open-air, futuristic-yet-strangely-eighties boot! Wait, wait….is that Tina Turner in there?? Look, she’s peeking out down by the heel. “Two feet enter, one foot leaves…”
Uh, ahem, excuse me - again, I really must protest. The Moonboot Moth is a protected species. You can’t just use the caterpillar for whatever you damn well please. Besides, shoving your foot inside a Moonboot pupa has been linked to prostate cancer so THINK TWICE.
Okaaaaaaaaaay. Well, all I have to say about this boot, which proclaims the (presumably female) wearer to be the “King of Kings,” is that it costs $1400. I think that’s all the information we need, don’t you?
*Sigh* Excuse me. I guess you did not get the memo or perhaps you do not subscribe to the PETA newsletter or perhaps you are just an ignorant dickhead, so it is up to me to inform you that FRAGGLES ARE CAPABLE OF FEELING PAIN AND EMOTION. How do you even live with yourself? How do you EVEN. LIVE.
Boot Jenga!! See how many pieces you can remove before you are left barefoot and frostbitten in the snow, fucking retard.
One upholstered loveseat plus one fuzzy, yappy, carpet-peeing, guest-annoying, trash-tipping, tampon-eating dog equals………..this. Recycle, recycle, recycle!!!
Finally, I would like to offer an apology to all those who have been adversely affected by my unfortunate addiction to raw onions. You know who you are, and I believe there are several thousand of you. At least two of you suffered egregiously this weekend and I do honestly feel bad about that. But not enough to stay away from Indian buffet for lunch today. Onion chutney will be had, oh yes.
Happy Monday!!
