Slow Adventures in Slothville

June 22, 2004

Grumpy Sloth

Filed under: Boston, Photography, Slothyness — shhville @ 4:10 pm


Today is Pet Peeve day. It started on the bus this morning and inspired me to make a short list of my biggest pet peeves.

1. People who wear too much cologne and/or perfume on the bus. Please! Sloths are not morning creatures. We are groggy and angry and have been known to accidentally kill people before 10 a.m. Also, we are nauseous when we wake up. If you are wearing too much smell in an enclosed area, forcing other people to breathe you into their noses, do not complain if you are vomited upon or accidentally killed.

2. People who STAND on the LEFT side of the escalator. Sloths are not morning creatures. We are late for work and in a hurry every single day. It's just like a highway, stupid-standing-still-people!! PASS on the left!!

3. Homeless people who stand at the door of the ATM and ask for money. Sloths are poor, ok? In some dialects, Sloths are po. I know you're po too and if there wasn't one of you every five feet in this neighborhood I would probably feel more sympathetic. If you want some change, maybe, but why do you stand at the ATM? This is where people go because they don't have any money at the moment. Then they acquire money in denominations of $20. Do you REALLY think I'm going to give you twenty dollars? I live in a tree! I eat papaya! I'm no better off than you are!

4. People who tell me I'm going to grow out of not wanting baby sloths, as though I'm going to reach a certain age and suddenly come to my senses and realize how silly all that non-baby-wanting was. Since when do all women have to want babies? Some of us don't want babies! And we will never want babies! Have your own babies if you like them so much!

5. People who mill around in the middle of the sidewalk, forcing the rest of us to walk in the street to get around them. Similarly, people who walk abreast and take up the whole sidewalk, then don't move into single file when passing a sloth walking alone. It's just goddamn etiquette. Stop acting like water buffalo.

6. People standing on the sidewalk with clipboards. If I see you and you are carrying a clipboard, I will cross the street rather than be accosted by you. You may be able to trick the tourists and the first-year students, but your clipboard doesn't fool me. No, I will not give you money for breast cancer research (cigarettes) or AIDS research (crack) or to save the environment (pyramid scheme). I feel sorry for the suckers who fall for that shit, but not that sorry.

7. People who wear those goddamn ruffle skirts. I am not entirely opposed to looking at your ass when the breeze blows, but I am opposed to looking at that skirt! The 80's are over! Thank god! What is wrong with you that you can't look at that skirt and know, just know, deep in your gut that it is UGLY?? You think because Paris Hilton wore it, it is suddenly attractive again? Get a spine!!!

8. People who, when relating a previous conversation to you, begin every other sentence with "So I says…" or even "So I says, I says…." Sloths have long claws that can reach all the way around your throat and stop you from "saysing" anything else. Ever.

9. People who abuse their cell phone. Cell phones are for telling someone where you are, where to meet you, if you're going to be late, if you're going to be early, if your car broke down, if you've been mugged, or "I'm at the store, do we need booze?" They are not for chitting and chatting about nothing while you wander around a store or ride the bus next to me. I don't care about you!! Stop making me listen to your boring life!! Sloths have long claws that can break cell phones into many many pieces before handing them back to you nicely.

10. Ann Coulter.

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13 Comments »

  1. What!! Why isn’t The Dastard on the list?!! I’m THE DASTARD for chrissakes.

    I have a rant devoted entirely towards the clipboard people that’s been cooking in my head for a year. I’ll put it on my site if ever I get my poop together.

    Comment by Avuncular 1 — June 22, 2004 @ 4:33 pm

  2. hi! kick ass page. i dont have most of the same problems you do (im not a morning person, could be a sloth but prob not), except for numero 6 of course.. i hope you break down all your senses of tact one day and yell at some of the planned parenthood freaks.. freak em out!

    looking forward to seeing farenheight 911 this weekend!

    Comment by Ajay — June 22, 2004 @ 5:38 pm

  3. Oh Sloth…this is so hilarious. I love it. I could write a book about why having babies isn’t all it’s cracked up to be but people are so easily offended on this topic. I may dedicate a blog post to my skewed view.

    The older I get, the less polite I am. I don’t walk city streets and get accosted by clipboard carrying assholes – but these kind knock on my door at home “selling magazines.” Complete scam and if you tell them no they get evil. I tell them no anyway, if I’m stupid enough to open the door. Normally I let them knock until their knuckles bleed. I figure if I didn’t invite you over or you don’t have a key, I don’t care who’s knocking, I’m not answering.

    Comment by lucidkim — June 22, 2004 @ 6:18 pm

  4. Hysterical! But are you sure about #4? You’re supposed to eventually be my baby’s sloth-mama… You can hold it in your claws and I’ll feed it papaya… Think about it.

    Comment by Michael — June 22, 2004 @ 7:35 pm

  5. hi – i really enjoy your blog… i noticed you don’t dig republicans so i thought you might enjoy this post…A spin on the RNC
    REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE CONVENTION SCHEDULE
    September 2, 2004
    New York, NY

    6:00 PM Opening Prayer, led by the Rev. Jerry Falwell
    6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
    6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
    6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
    6:46 PM Seminar #1: “Getting Your Kid A Military Deferrment”
    7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
    7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries
    7:40 PM EPA Address #1: “Mercury, It’s What’s for Dinner”
    8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
    8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
    8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: “The Homos Are After Your Children”
    8:30 PM Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
    8:50 PM Seminar #2: “Corporations: The Government of the Future”
    9:00 PM Condoleeza Rice sings “I Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man”
    9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
    9:10 PM EPA Address #2: “Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires”
    9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
    10:00 PM Second prayer, led by Cal Thomas
    10:15 PM Lecture by Karl Rove: “Doublespeak Made Easy”
    10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration: How to squint and talk macho
    10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark deer in headlights stare
    10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory kevlar chastity belt
    10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of Black Republicans
    10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong
    10:50 PM Seminar #3: “Education: A Drain on Our Nation’s Economy”
    11:10 PM Hillary Clinton Pinata
    11:20 PM Second John Ashcroft Lecture: “Evolutionists: The Dangerous New Cult”
    11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
    11:35 PM Blame Clinton
    11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
    11:50 PM Closing Prayer, led by Jesus Himself
    12:00 AM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

    Comment by kadybug — June 23, 2004 @ 1:07 am

  6. I don’t like people that try to talk to you when you sit down in the food court in the mall, or when you’re at a coffee shop trying to read the paper. Like today, I go to sit down with my coffee, and there’s this man that starts commenting on how large my mug of coffee is, and how I’ll be wired after drinking it, that is, unless it’s decaf. LEAVE ME ALONE!

    Comment by Mark — June 23, 2004 @ 1:51 am

  7. Re: #1
    I try to be a good citizen and support my locally-owned coffee shop instead of Starbucks. No more. The girl who works there in the morning smells like a stripper.

    Comment by Gooch — June 23, 2004 @ 2:34 am

  8. Dastard – you are not on the list because you want to be. See how that works?

    Ajay – I can’t yell at them but I always love it when random pedestrians do. Thanks for visiting.

    Kim – Just reading that thing you wrote about trying to go to the store for one little goddamn thing with two little ones in tow made me need a nap. I don’t know how you do it, but I’m impressed.

    I don’t know why I thought of this, doesn’t really have anything to do with anything but your door-knocking story made me think of it. A few years ago my grandmother was stuck in the airport because her flight was delayed. She was irritable so she decided to sit down and meditate. This was working quite well and she was feeling much calmer until a Jehovah’s witness interrupted her by tapping her on the shoulder and handing her a flower. She glared at him and he said, “You look like you have some tension. I’d like to talk to you about meditation.” It was funny later, but at the time…not so much.

    Mike – Crap. I didn’t realize we had plans. I’ll think about it. But only if you promise to hire an army of nannies.

    Katy – those are so hysterical. “The Homos Are After Your Children” – I love it! For whatever reason I can’t get to your profile/site from here. What’s the URL? (Unless it is private.)

    Mark – I didn’t realize that was common where you are. I always figured it was more common in warmer climates for whatever reason. This “friendliness” is rampant in the southern United States, from what I hear. In the Northeast, where I live, however, it’s simply not done. If someone talks to me in an elevator or on the subway or while I’m standing in line somewhere, it means they’re either hitting on me or they’re crazy or both. We get a bad rap for not chitchatting with strangers from our Southern neighbors who say we are snobs, but that is just the culture here. In any case, I’m with you. I hate the stranger-talk.

    Gooch – I’ve never smelled a stripper and now I don’t want to. (Well, honestly, I didn’t really want to anyway.) Some people are allergic to perfume. I hope none of them want to take public transportation in Boston as there seems to be a plague of perfume/cologne-bathers in this city. It is my all time #1 pet peeve. Moderation, people!

    Comment by Sloth — June 23, 2004 @ 10:51 am

  9. I’m with ya on the “no kids” thing. As a male, I’m sure I don’t get the grief that women do – except from my parents. As a result of my swearing off the offspring, My family name will end with me, since my only brother has two girls and just had a snip-snip operation. My dad is an only child and the only great uncle I have with the family name only had a single girl.

    Anyway, it’s difficult for a guy with a no-kids policy to find a like-minded mate. My current wife happens to be one such woman but the field is narrow. Isn’t ironic that a sex addict wouldn’t want kids?

    Comment by NotCuredYet — June 24, 2004 @ 3:57 pm

  10. You crack me up! I will link to you even if you never ever link me to yours — I’ll just have a great belly laugh when I read your blog.

    I’m also waving at you from a corner in Boston! I’m sure I’ve seen you and been one of those folks you are pet peeving about…or will. I’ll make a point of surrounding you with a cologne cloud. 😉

    Comment by fleece — June 24, 2004 @ 10:36 pm

  11. The SKIRT! I cannot tell you how good it is to know that I am not the only one who despises that damn skirt (i even devoted a whole ranting blog post to it)! The worst sighting of ‘the skirt’ i have ever had was topped off with a little tight half-shirt, white shoes (the fashionable (??) tennis shoe kind), a HUGE floppy hat (and this girl was pretty small, so that hat seemed even HUGER), and a chihuahua. Were she blond and three feet taller, i would have sworn it was P.H. herself, in all her radiant brilliance (is it redundant if it’s sarcastic???).
    AND, as a bus rider, I am sympathetic to your cell phone complaints….though i would cell phones talkers over non-showering people anyday!

    Comment by Schna — June 25, 2004 @ 9:03 am

  12. This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read! Almost funnier than David Sedaris.
    1. I agree completely, except for the bus part (my town is too small for a real bus line).
    2. Again I agree, I hate them too. But I’m never late for work since I stay at home with children and it’s ok with me if you dont’ want kids, the planet is too crowded anyway and people who don’t want kids shouldn’t have them (see #4).
    3. LOL
    4. see #2
    5. I love the water buffalo image. I’ll never be able to see people taking up the sidewalk the same way ever again.
    6.LOL
    7. Oh no, I love my hippy skirts! What to do, what to do? I’ll wear them with my Birks so you’ll recognize me and not hurt me – LOL.
    8. I can’t stand it when people say aks instead of ask. Or call people that and not not who. Shiver.
    9. Don’t even own a cell phone.
    10. Agree.

    Comment by Kate — July 2, 2004 @ 3:03 pm

  13. NCY – I think a part of my parents’ urgency that I procreate is the same as yours – I’m an only child (have a stepsister) and my mother would really like to have grandbaby sloths to cuddle. Sometimes I feel bad for not wanting it, but I can’t make myself maternal just by willing it, you know? But….perhaps it’s better for a sex addict to not want kids. Cuz that would be a whole lotta kids…

    Fleece – I’m so glad you stopped by – I’m faking working and yawning like crazy at the moment. Was just over on your site, actually, and am dying to read posts that sound like they are comparing certain body parts to certain vegetables, but every time I click on a post title I can’t get through! Ack!! What the hell is going on with Blogger?? Stoopid Blooger….

    Shannon – what’s funny now is that the horrid skirt is so 5 minutes ago (or 20 years ago depending on your perspective). The trend is OUT but a lot of people haven’t caught on. The other trend that is OUT like GOUT is mukluks. Those goddamn furry boots have got to go!! My favorite is the pluffery skirt (summer) WITH the mukluks (winter). Together, the fashion statement is a whole ten minutes ago.

    I’m sorry, Kate. I really am. But pencil or A-line skirts are the way to go. Ankle-length, just below the knee, or shorter, but always, always, always, ruffle-free. And what is this with Birks???? Nononononononononono!!!!!! Please, darling – strappy sandals! The heel doesn’t have to be SO high, can be even be quite short, as long as it is a thin heel or one with a cute shape. There is nothing for a girl’s self esteem like pedicured feet in outrageously expensive shoes. Well, maybe that’s just me. I should really stop imposing my own fashion on others. I’m sure you look divine. And I HATE “aks” even more than I hate “realator” instead of realtor. But again, as I said somewhere else on this blog, I’m not a starving, barefoot, Sudanese orphan wandering the desert so I should really stop complaining about such stupid stuff. Bah.

    P.S. No one is funnier than David Sedaris.

    Comment by Sloth — July 6, 2004 @ 4:24 pm


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