Slow Adventures in Slothville

July 1, 2004

Bouncing Around Down Under…The Covers…I Wish.

Filed under: Slothyness, Whateverall — shhville @ 2:19 am

Sorry I don't have time to respond to comments at the moment – this is just a quick post to say that I'm having a great time and to get my crack fix.

First thing's first:

I have heard through the grapevine that a certain blogger (Todd Vodka) has been saying that I'm lying about the time of day that the picture in my last post was taken and he just knows it's true because he can "clearly" see sunlight streaming through a window onto my face. Mr. Vodka has apparently never heard of electricity (although how one blogs without a socket remains to be determined).

It's my bathroom light, freak show. Why would I lie about something so stupid?

Ok, on to more important things. I am going to post my travel journal here but not all at once because that would be too long and no one would read it. It's ok, I wouldn't read it either. So here is Day 1. Flight day.

Above L.A. at night. Strings of fluttering lights – grids – endless.

Çell phone cacophany upon hitting the runway. Sitting up, looking around, everyone within my field of view is on the phone. Everyone is talking, no one is talking to each other. And not about immediate, practical things. More like:

"My mom makes me insane…"
"So, he put it on a payment plan?"
"Well, we've been going out for like six months now…"
"Life is R-rated."
"My daughter's allergic to nuts."

It is 800 degrees in here and we have been sitting on the runway for an hour waiting for a gate. My soul is filled with grouchiness and sour milk.

Oh happy day! Not only is flight to Sydney 2.5 hours late, but it seems that the flight will be populated by 5 or 6 high school sports teams and myself. Gee, I hope they talk to me. I'll have to figure out which ones are the popular kids and try to "get in" with them. Maybe one of them will let me wear his varsity jacket.

There is a circle of boys in red jerseys doing jumping jacks and chanting. It is deafening. It is also 3:30 in the morning for me. I feel like my skull is splitting in a jagged fissure over my left eye. A group of the red boys (they have now broken formation) is clustered together, looking at me. I just heard, "Maybe you should ask her." I'm all a-quiver. Maybe one of them wants to be my boyfriend!

Oh good, now hot lava is pouring out of fissure in head. Teeth are fuzzy. Need shower. Need sports team death-ray.

Oh, sweet sweet valium. How I love thee. Ye have quelled my hatred of all things sports- and teenager-related. Time to get on the plane.

Ok that's it for now – I'll be back in a few days. Hope you're all well. Ciao sweet thangs.!

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19 Comments »

  1. haha! you’re so funny. have a good time! bring me some good times too!

    Comment by KinkyPugKevin — July 1, 2004 @ 4:16 am

  2. I knew you were going to blog. This is going to be soooo sweet: I TOLD YOU SO.
    Sloth-schmoth.

    Comment by Avuncular 1 — July 1, 2004 @ 10:58 am

  3. Sloth, I’m sitting here smiling at your funny post, so glad to hear you haven’t been abducted by the Tasmanian Devil or a second-string halfback. Lawdylawdy I missed ya.

    Comment by Michael — July 1, 2004 @ 2:01 pm

  4. yea, it was only time before you would post again.
    glad you seem to be enjoying yourself..with no socks.
    looking forward to seeing more!!

    Comment by steve — July 1, 2004 @ 3:17 pm

  5. Way ta go Sloth. Excellent post!! Hope that fissure is doing okay. You’re not gonna get to wear the varsity jacket if ya got the fissure thing going on.

    Comment by Inanna — July 1, 2004 @ 3:21 pm

  6. We miss you Sunshine. Life hasnt been the same in blogland without your posts…
    xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo

    Comment by Vadergrrrl — July 1, 2004 @ 4:05 pm

  7. Sloth and Sloth. All I hear about is Sloth. Sloth-Schmoth I says. That’s right Sloth, I said, “I says.”
    Anyway, I’m all done with Sloth and I don’t miss her mossy, slow moving butt at all.
    Dastard can do anything Sloth can do, better.
    Smelly Sloth.
    -D!

    Comment by Avuncular 1 — July 1, 2004 @ 4:53 pm

  8. what’s funny is that most of my passwords are a variation of crack.. i love crack, and this, this is crack…obviously. Well boston, glad to hear you are surviving with the criminals, don’t let them take you hostage.

    Comment by The Dave — July 1, 2004 @ 5:00 pm

  9. Hey now.
    Don’t be smirchin’ the Sloth while she’s gone.
    I wanna be smoochin’ the Sloth when she gets back.

    Comment by Michael — July 1, 2004 @ 5:44 pm

  10. Slothie Slotherson–Glad to hear you’re havin’ fun. Can’t wait to read the second installment; hope it got better. (god I hate airports)

    Dastard–I love you more every day. You sounded just like gollum in that last message. Cracking up!

    Comment by Aimee — July 1, 2004 @ 6:15 pm

  11. I think Dastard is in love, way to go Sloth. But now I am jealous!

    Comment by Jamie — July 1, 2004 @ 6:31 pm

  12. Oh you crack me up! Sloth, have a great time!

    Comment by fleece — July 1, 2004 @ 9:48 pm

  13. I have about 30 seconds to post this comment – I will just say that Daddy Sloth has smooches in store and, Dastard, you are such a DASTARD!!

    I promise to comment on comments when I get back. At the moment I am just trying to figure out how to get the fuck home since I have lost my ticket. Yay!

    Comment by Sloth — July 2, 2004 @ 6:40 am

  14. This post has been removed by the author.

    Comment by Avuncular 1 — July 2, 2004 @ 10:21 am

  15. This post has been removed by the author.

    Comment by Avuncular 1 — July 2, 2004 @ 11:24 am

  16. YOU LOST YOUR TICKET?!! I know you probably won’t have the time, but contact me at ElDastardo@hotmail.com if you think of something I can do to help.

    Oh, and: Daddy Sloth, Schmaddy Schmoth!

    Comment by Avuncular 1 — July 2, 2004 @ 11:46 am

  17. Hope they don’t keep you down under because you lost your ticket! 😦 The Dastard will save you. 🙂

    Comment by lucidkim — July 2, 2004 @ 12:14 pm

  18. If I’m remembering right, you’re supposed to be home pretty soon. I hope your ticket-mishap wasn’t too terrible–just terrible enough to make a good post. LOL.
    No, sorry, I’m REALLY not laughing at your, uh, whatever….
    Hope you’re back soon, we miss you.

    Comment by Aimee — July 4, 2004 @ 11:02 pm

  19. Kev – I had good times. I had weird times. I had other times that I can’t quite remember. Right now Blogger seems to be having some bad times which is very frustrating. Oh, and be careful with the surfing for porn. I broke my computer that way as the Dastard can attest.

    Dastard – I can’t believe you changed your user name to the Latin term for horseshoe crab. For reasons that you are aware of this infuriates me. Which is exactly what you want. Because you’re a Dastard.

    Michael – I was not abducted by a Tasmanian Devil, but I got a really good picture of one. Perhaps I will post it sometime. They’re very odd looking. Their heads seem far to big for their bodies and they make the most horrendous noises……..hmm. I am thinking now that perhaps the Dastard is a Tasmanian Devil. Missed you too – your dog is the cutest!

    Steve – socks are for suckers. Actually, I like socks but I can’t wear them because my claws go right through. It’s the burden I bear. Oh, and all women deserve a boyfriend who wants to blog about them. As they say down under, “Good on ya!”

    Inanna – the fissure was effectively cauterized by the miracle that is Valium. Although I was later led astray by the curse that is Valium… Oh well, two sides to every coin. And many layers to every onion….. Loved your poem. 🙂

    Vader – it’s going to take me FOREVER to catch up with your (almost certainly naughty) activities while I’ve been gone. I heard that I missed a discussion on bisexuality and another on porn stars. Ack!! You couldn’t wait?

    The Dave – I’m back in my cube. It’s a pretty big cube with three desks and a big ‘ol window, but it’s a cube nonetheless. A few days ago I was standing on the top of the Sydney Harbor bridge clamped to the rail by a crampon and now I’m back in my cube. I know you can relate. You know what else is like crack? Vacations.

    Aimee – it did, in fact get much much better. The vacation, that is. Airports are hell and to top it off, EVERY SINGLE FLIGHT I was on had at least one gaggle of same-color-shirted mini-people. How is that even statistically possible? And, erm, you’re in love with WHO? The DASTARD? Hmm. His head is already so big he has to drag it around behind him when he walks. He has scratches and shit all over his face. Don’t make it any worse for him, ok? Thanks, hon.

    Jamie – see above for jealousy cure.

    Fleece – thanks – btw, I think the model in your last post is wearing fake nipples. Did you see that Sex and the City episode?

    Kim – like Vader, I have to catch up on what’s been going on with you. At first glance it seems like a lot. The Dastard didn’t save me – no one can keep a sloth down! (under)–>

    Comment by Sloth — July 6, 2004 @ 11:54 am


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