Slow Adventures in Slothville

October 13, 2005

Short Shorts

Filed under: Boston, Celebrity Whoredom, Slothyness — shhville @ 9:39 am

Ok, first of all, what the fuck happened to Lori Petty?

She used to be a nice, pretty alive person.

Now she’s a re-animated cadaver. If she’s dying of a terminal illness, well, I fucking apologize, ok? I hope she’s not. But if she’s not dying, what IS she doing?

Second of all, I thought you all should be aware, in case you did not already know, that JEWS RULE THE WORLD. (According to the Haitian cabbie who drove me to work this morning, anyway.) I just want to say, Michael….Gooch…..you coulda told us.

Third, I am going BOWLING this weekend. SLOTHS LOVE BOWLING WITH A SCARY FANATICISM. Unfortunately, this sloth lives in Boston so bowling opportunities are hard to come by. There’s always some stupid lecture or museum or dive bar that requires my attention. You see, you can’t DRINK while you BOWL here.

Ok, I know some of you are picking yourselves up off the floor now. Take your time. Yes, that is correct. Bowling alleys are dry in Boston. Sick, evil, and twisted as that is, you have to remember that the city was founded by Puritans. Blowjobs are still illegal here too.

As a Mainer, I grew up with candlepin bowling. Candlepin be muthafuckin’ HARD, yo. This is why I so enjoy FAT pin bowling. The pins are fat, the balls are fat…..basically, both the target and the projectile are larger and therefore the game is necessarily easier. Regardless, for me, bowling is like put-put. I suck at it, but I love it anyway.

So, in conclusion: I would like to apologize to Lori Petty who is clearly carrying a virulent strain of TB. I would also like to apologize to my fellow non-world-ruling gentiles – I should have picked up on that whole “Jewish = evil genius” thing earlier. And finally, a big fat apology to whoever ends up on my team this weekend. I’m sorry, we’re going to lose, and all I can hope for is that you are graceful in defeat.

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