Slow Adventures in Slothville

December 23, 2005

And a ‘Splosive New Year!!!

Filed under: Family — shhville @ 12:12 pm

Earlier this evening, after ten hours spent at the hospital followed by a couple glasses of wine, my mother hollered at the top of her wee lungs, “HAVE A HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS!!! IT’S THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR!!!”

To which I responded, “YOUR APPENDIX MIGHT ‘SPLODE AND IT WON’T SNOW, BUT AT LEAST YOU’RE NOT A QUEER!!!”

And then we laughed for waaaay too long.

So, as you may have sussed, the Appendichristmas sitch wound up a bit more serious than we thought. Turns out, with the pain my stepdad was enduring, John Wayne himself would have peed his chaps and begged for his mammy. The organ in question was no longer in evidence as it had been torn asunder by its own infection (‘sploded). After two and a half hours of surgery he was wheeled out of the OR with an IV, a tube through his nose draining his stomach, a catheter, and a whole lot of, “Get these fucking tubes out of me.”

I have to be honest, it was really gross. (I think I’ll delete this before he gets outta the ‘pital.)

So we’re having Christmas in the hospital this year and goddamn if it isn’t all on me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. The parentals had planned on doing their shopping on the exact day that a certain useless, pinky-sized extension of the intestine decided mutiny was on the menu so I guess that last-minute frenzied shopping gag-fest I put myself through last night was actually worth the years of my life that it cost me just so there can be SOME presents to go around. ………..That sounds pretty complainy, doesn’t it? Pay no attention to the Grinch behind the Sloth!

Truly, every time someone you love goes under general anesthesia, the world just stops until they wake up. The world is slowly getting back on its axis tonight, but seeing my stepfather, who anyone should be lucky enough to know, all taped up and puffy and miserable was really scary. It was the first time I had a premonition of what lies ahead for us because it was the first time I had ever seen him look old.

But enough of that. He’s awake and it’s almost Christmas. You know the refrain: “God bless us, every one…” I don’t believe in God, but I sure as hell believe in thin excuses for sneaking booze into a hospital.

Baby Jesus

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