Slow Adventures in Slothville

April 12, 2006

The Slothspels

Filed under: Religion, Slothyness — shhville @ 8:23 pm

I was watching Joel Osteen last night (shutupIcan’thelpmyself) and there was this woman singing on stage in front of 30,000 people about Jesus and the light and the incredibleness and whatever the fuck, and she was wearing – notkidding! – these super high-waisted pantz that came up to, like, her eyebrows, and a TIE the size of a ten-year-old child around her neck. She looked so ridiculous, it was mesmerizing. And her hair was all feathered and fucked up, it was awesome.

So I was listening to Joel Osteen talk about how we’re all ok and God loves us and we totally RULE!! And things might seem crappy and hard, but if we just use the right words and think the right things, and let God into our hearts instead of getting angry and worked up when some shmo cuts us off in traffic, then we will be A-OK. He seriously went on and on about this theoretical asshole cutting everyone in the auditorium off in traffic and how to not get pissed about it. And, of course, I was thinking about having manic, animal, videotaped sex with him and then ruining his life with shame and blackmail because, as you all know, that’s what I always think about when watching Joel Osteen. Favorite fantasy of all time, natch.


My roommate was trying to go to bed but found himself hovering in the doorway, caught in the Osteen fascination forcefield. He said, “I can’t believe these people. Look at them. There are 30,000 middle-class people in that arena and they’re all caught up in the same groove. I’d probably be a lot happier if I believed in that crap, but I’d rather live my life questioning things than rolling through suburbia on blind faith.”

I said, “Honey, every one of those people is just as fucked up as you, if not worse. Don’t go thinking they’re all happy and yayGod and life is fuckin’ awesome-oh because they’re at the Lakewood Church. The whole reason they’re there is because they can’t deal with their problems and they need Joel-fucking-Osteen to walk them through the dumb little glitches they consider hardships.”

And HE said, “Oh my god, you’re totally right. I guess that’s the gospel according to Sloth.”

I’m serious, he really said that. And I guess it was. So it got me thinking that perhaps I should offer up some of my own Slothville Church advice for those who come here for solace (not a good idea) and comfort (same as solace) and a sense of community groove (that one’s ok).
So here is the Slothspel I want you to think about for today:

“If thou be cutteth off in traffic, do not giveth the demon driver the pleasure of thy anger, yet raise thyself up, and know, through the power of not being a fucking idiot, that what thou considereth to be hardship is not thus. To find hardship, ye need only look to the curb, where thou shalt find a homeless person holding a sign begging for food. Get over thyself.”

And for my fellow atheists:

“Those who goeth to church have no greater happiness, nor greater mindfulness than thou. Thy inner peace and inherent morality serve thee greatly. Be not envious of the believers, for they are only seeking the same answers in a different place.”



  1. Sloth, you wrote, “Those that goeth to church…”
    but I think you meant “Those who goeth to church…”

    See the difference?


    Comment by randomaimee — April 12, 2006 @ 8:34 pm

  2. Aimee, you signed “randoma imee.” But I think you meant “random aimee.”

    Bwa ha ha! Couldn’t help it. But I like RANDOMA!

    And Sloth, your fellow atheists thank you. Every now and again I wish I had the comfort of religion, but always come back to the fact that it’s not all that comforting to have a vengefull deity looking into your mind all the time… Yikes.

    Comment by Jamie — April 12, 2006 @ 8:39 pm

  3. I do see the difference and shall fix it in a mo.

    Jamie – you might like Joel Osteen’s God. His God is way nice and not vengeful at all and you could even probably kill Joel Osteen and his God would forgive you if you felt bad. The problem would be feeling bad.

    Comment by shhville — April 12, 2006 @ 8:50 pm

  4. I’ve envied a few people–Johnny Holmes, Brad Pitt, Dick Cheney (I’ve always wondered what it would be like to shoot some old fucker in the face and not have to answer for it. OK, not really)–but never believers. Never. I see no comfort there, only the sliding scale of human suffering and delusion.

    Comment by wunelle — April 12, 2006 @ 9:19 pm

  5. I sense some RAZZIN’ on the HORIZON!

    (say it with me now! uhn!!)

    Comment by shhville — April 12, 2006 @ 9:40 pm

  6. Osteen makes my ass itch. People that going around telling people to believe in Jesus and all their troubles will go away TWINGE MY SPHINCTER!!!!

    Jesus did a lot of pissing off the government and creating chaos in the lives of his followers. Ask the martyrs if Jesus made all their earthy problems go away.

    *stepping off pulpit*

    I enjoy the Slothpels. Put them to music and take it to broadway.

    Comment by evilsciencechick — April 13, 2006 @ 3:10 am

  7. Makes sense to me. Get some more, like 6 more, lots of nonsensical filler and you got yourself a book! If you could market it with my patented diet pills, you could rule the world!

    Comment by Seth — April 13, 2006 @ 12:24 pm

  8. I declare myself a Slothist.

    Comment by cybele — April 13, 2006 @ 1:39 pm

  9. So what, Avril Lavigne was singing? Isn’t she the only person that tasteless?

    So is the gospel of Sloth anything like the Gospel of Judas? Could Sloth be a God fearing orthodox Christian merely disguised as an atheist?

    You do seem overly fascinated with Joel Osteen, after all.

    Comment by Vince — April 13, 2006 @ 4:37 pm

  10. These sound like Gnostic Slothspells to me. That’s okay, the Gnostics were always my favorite ones anyway.

    Comment by Julie — April 13, 2006 @ 4:56 pm

  11. Speaking of ass twitching religious nutjobs, today is Jack Chick’s birthday! Everyone wish Jackie boy a happy day. I’m hoping he enjoys the 50 spanks from a hooker package I bought him. I hope he doesn’t already have a spanking hooker! How embarassing!

    Comment by ESC — April 13, 2006 @ 5:33 pm

  12. Wait….what if… WHAT IF GOD IS AN ATHEIST???

    Comment by The Retropolitan — April 13, 2006 @ 6:16 pm

  13. I find priests to be sexy mother fuckers. And I dig pastors and ministers too, just not as much, since they aren’t bound to celibacy.

    I bet Joel knows what his mouth is for… Besides gospel, he he.

    Comment by Jamie — April 13, 2006 @ 6:23 pm

  14. “So saith the Sloth” Seakiel 16 1/2

    Comment by Seamus — April 13, 2006 @ 7:17 pm

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Blog at

%d bloggers like this: