Slow Adventures in Slothville

June 21, 2006

Nicole Kidman Kabuki Mask Watch

Filed under: Celebrity Whoredom — shhville @ 3:45 pm

Remember Nicole Kidman? She used to look like this.

Then, back in 2003 (which I believe was the last time I watched the Oscars), I noticed that Nicole Kidman was starting to look pretty fucked up.

"Look at her!" I said, "She looks like a shaved, greased up Siamese cat!" But, inexplicably, no one agreed with me. Everyone seemed to think she looked fabulous even though her eyebrows were stuck in permanent "villian" position which made her look both evil and cross-eyed, her top lip had disappeared and her bottom lip was slowly eating her face. Basically she was on her way to being just a giant lower lip with a shiny forehead for a hat. Then in 2005 she showed up to the "Bewitched" premiere looking like this:

which to me looks exactly like this:

So it would seem that when you inject your face with enough botox to poison a small industrialized nation, you wind up looking like a kabuki mask.

Ok. I understand that getting older is tough, especially when you're a woman on the Hollywood A-list. A couple of crows feet and you go from major feature films to Lifetime movies called "A Daughter's Betrayal" and "I Got Breast Cancer So He Dumped Me" faster than a shaved, greased up Siamese cat slides down a pole. But you know what? We all get old. Some of us do it with grace (see: Greta Scacchi) and some of us get dragged into it by our feet, clawing the floor the whole way (see: Mary Tyler Moore). Nicole Kidman was photographed yesterday looking dangerously close to the plastic surgery point of no return.

The woman looks like a sea monster and I'm the only person who saw this coming? She's been stretching and plumping and botoxing the shit out of herself for years. I don't see what everyone's so surprised about. Let's hope she stops while the stopping's good.



  1. First of all congrats on calling it.

    Second, I think the stopping is no longer good. That last picture looks like a bad caricature of Nicole Kidman.

    Comment by Luke — June 21, 2006 @ 4:19 pm

  2. Nic should learn a couple of things: one, that hairstyle ain’t doin’ a THING for her. Except making her look like the sea witch in The Little Mermaid. Two, would it kill her to occasionally wipe the sweat off her face? She’s past the point where “dewy” is attractive.

    I concur with Luke. The stopping would have been good long before now. Right now we’re at “stop before you resemble Rue McLanahan.”

    Comment by Julie — June 21, 2006 @ 5:05 pm

  3. Though not a big fan, I must admit, she no look good no mo’. Is it me or is her head getting bigger and fatter or something? It really did turn into a bhudda mask!

    Comment by Vince — June 21, 2006 @ 5:08 pm

  4. I think she attacked me once at Loch Ness.

    Comment by The Retropolitan — June 21, 2006 @ 5:55 pm

  5. Jesus. That last picture is seriously frightening. I’ll have nightmares now.

    Comment by E-Lo — June 21, 2006 @ 6:11 pm

  6. I think she’s morphing into Carol Channing… not that there’s anything wrong with Carol Channing. But I think it’s not quite the right look for anyone OTHER than Carol Channing.

    Sorry for the repetition… got liberal nuts stuck in my head.

    Comment by Cootera — June 21, 2006 @ 7:16 pm

  7. I thought the same thing: Carol Channing.

    ugh. Listen, Nikki? stay away from the botox, mkay? you’re scaring small children.

    Comment by ESC — June 21, 2006 @ 9:04 pm

  8. I, too, have been watching this slow burn to Bohell! I think how she can look so cute when she looks sorta natural, but most of the time she looks like she’s already dead and rotting.

    Comment by Jamie — June 21, 2006 @ 10:00 pm

  9. Hey Slothy. Found a link you might like. The Hitler vs. Coulter Quiz.

    Comment by Blodnick — June 21, 2006 @ 10:20 pm

  10. Saw her at the Grammy’s; she was so skinny I wanted to hand her a sandwich. Or put her on an IV.

    She is such a lady otherwise.

    It appears “Hollyweird” has claimed Nicole as its latest victim. Actually, she may have body dismorphia. Or, it’s possible she’s completely lost touch with what normal looks like. Surrounding yourself with plastic people will do that to ya! What a shame.

    Comment by hedonisticpleasureseeker — June 22, 2006 @ 3:38 am

  11. Wow that last picture is scary. It looks like someone wearing a plastic mask with a Nicole Kidman face on, instead of a real person.
    Shame really cos she used to be so pretty. Well if Keith Urban ever gets sick of her I can gladly take him off her hands!

    Comment by Tracy — June 22, 2006 @ 11:07 am

  12. I don’t know, with the pressure on from the studios to cast a young leading woman, and if Nicole doesn’t have any range, I can see her chasing surgical youth. Not everyone can be Judi Dench, after all.

    Comment by cybele — June 22, 2006 @ 1:36 pm

  13. She does have range, though. I actually think Nicole Kidman is a really good actress.

    And Tracy, Keith Urban is like 3 feet tall. You know that, right?

    Comment by shhville — June 22, 2006 @ 2:11 pm

  14. […] a while back when I started the Nicole Kidman Kabuki Mask Watch? Well, it’s still going strong. She showed up at the premiere of The Golden Compass yesterday […]

    Pingback by Celebrity Kabuki Mask Watch « Slow Adventures in Slothville — November 28, 2007 @ 4:02 pm

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