Slow Adventures in Slothville

August 9, 2006

Dear Douchebag

Filed under: Whateverall — shhville @ 3:13 pm

First Draft:
To the person who stole my favorite ring off of the bathroom counter where I accidentally left it for all of five minutes:

You are the worst kind of cowardly, morally pathetic shitbag in the……. ok bad start.

Second draft:

To the person who stole my favorite fucking ring off the bathroom counter where I left it for like five fucking seconds YOU STUPID TWAT…… ok let’s try that again.

Third draft:

To the person greedy dumbass who………. deep breaths, Slothy, deep breaths…..

Fourth draft:

To the person who found my ring on the counter of the second floor bathroom: I am asking again for the ring to be returned to me. The large stone is not a diamond but a very pale citrine. It’s not expensive and will be worth virtually nothing if pawned. Also, the size of the ring is very small and will not fit most fingers. If you are a woman and plan to wear the ring, please keep in mind that every time you look at it you will be looking at a reminder that you took something that wasn’t yours. If you are a man and plan to give it away, please keep in mind that the woman you intend to give it to deserves better.

The ring is an inheritance from my godmother. It is all I have left of her. Please, if you have the ring, I am begging you to give it back. Just put it in an envelope addressed to the financial office and give it to John in the mailroom. Or leave it in a secret place and call Nicole in Operations to tell her where to find it. Anything. Please, just return it to me.

If you’ve already pawned it, the least you could do is send me an anonymous email telling me where the shop is so that I can go buy it back. I believe that the decisions we make throughout our lives define who we are. I’m asking you to do the right thing.





  1. oh that sucks.

    fucking twatheaded bitch.

    Comment by ESC — August 9, 2006 @ 3:36 pm

  2. Damn.

    Very well written, but DAMN!

    Comment by Aimee — August 9, 2006 @ 4:22 pm

  3. What a douchebaggy treecunty thing to do. I hope you get it back.

    Comment by Tot — August 9, 2006 @ 4:26 pm

  4. You said it best. What a douchebag.

    Is it too much to ask to take something you’ve found and give it to someone to make sure it’s returned?

    Comment by Vince — August 9, 2006 @ 4:43 pm

  5. Oh, what the hell is wrong with people?

    I know this is incredibly naieve, but is there any chance they picked it up and gave it to Lost & Found?

    Comment by Julie — August 9, 2006 @ 8:40 pm

  6. I liked your second draft better

    Comment by Lauren — August 10, 2006 @ 12:24 am

  7. Douchiest of the douches.

    Comment by Seth — August 10, 2006 @ 5:23 pm

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