Slow Adventures in Slothville

November 16, 2007

Girl Friday Foto Roundup

Filed under: Celebrity Whoredom — shhville @ 7:24 pm

And here, to end the week, are my favorite chick pix from the past few months.

First up: The Most Beautiful Woman in the World.

Here she is walking her bones across the NYC sidewalk to pick up her son Maddox from school. Now, we all know that Angie is turning into a major bobble-head and that she needs to be introduced to a fuckin’ Sun Chip or some string cheese before all that’s left of her is mattress lips and shoulder blades, but until I saw this picture I didn’t really know how sick she looked. Those are some emaciated kneecaps, woman! In fact, this picture brings to mind another scrawny brunette….

Eat your spinach, Angie!

Another recent favorite is this hysterical photo of Lindsay Lohan in full hooker mode:

She looks so sad and stank and 45 years old in this picture, I crack up every time I look at it. She’s got the hangover bloat, the big fuckin’ bag with everything she owns in it (including nubs of eyeliner pencils and bread rolls from Denny’s wrapped up in paper napkins), and that Benson and Hedges menthol 100 hanging out of her face. You know she just blew a guy in a ’94 Chevy for twenty bucks and she’s fumbling for her matches to get a few puffs in before hitting up the guy rolling by in his wife’s minivan. Fucking men. They’re all the same, right Linds? *Gravelly Krusty the Clown voice* “You know it. Got a light? Man, my crotch is killin’ me.”

Moving on, remember when everyone with a penis was waiting on the edge of his seat for these two munchkins to turn 18 so he could pull his peener to them guilt-free?

Well, I LOVE how they finally reached adulthood and promptly destroyed the hopes and dreams of every fanboy masturbator out there by turning into this mess:

They went from barely legal spank fodder to creepy goblin 28-Days-Later status so fast, it left everyone in a tailspin. Recently they went out to dinner with Bob Saget (reuuuuuunion!) looking more jacked out of their minds and psychopathic than ever:

HAAAAHAHAHAHA I fucking love this picture! In what other possible context could Bob Saget, notorious pervert and sicko-about-town, look like the sane, stable contingent of any group? I love how he’s sort of apologizing to the camera with his face and Mary-Kate and Ashley look like they’re about to make a coordinated surprise attack on either side of his neck, each ripping out a big chunk with their teeth and chew-grinning at the camera.

Yeah, good luck masturbating to that!

Have a good weekend, everyone! I’ll be back on Monday…

UPDATE: HAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA This picture just came out today:

Whatthefuhhhhh??? I could make a joke here about riding a yak and pillaging towns and somehow combine it with the blinding pink platform shoes and the fact that if you look closely you can tell that this thing she’s wearing is COULOTTES, but it’s almost 5 on Friday and my funny is off duty. Feel free to put the joke together in comments.

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12 Comments »

  1. That pic of Li-Lo looks like how she probably feels every single day… poor thing – rode hard and put away wet.

    I seriously fear for waking up and seeing Mary Kate and Ashley hovering over my bed ready to eat my brain.

    Comment by E-Lo — November 17, 2007 @ 2:51 pm

  2. What is it about America that has matched its decline with the need to pillage woman in popular culture? The media has created Brittany and Lindsey to satisfy some small village gossip community that is within all of us, and to distract us from the truth, which doesn’t pay for commercials, nor kissXXXX lick the butt of the established corporate patriarchal powers. The status quo demands bread and circus. Jim Crow as a bimbo with a strap on. It’s meant to be funny, but who’s laughing?

    Comment by Pedro — November 18, 2007 @ 4:37 am

  3. Um…..me. At you. Slothville is no place for philosophy, pardner. We’re waaaaaaay too shallow for that.

    Comment by shhville — November 19, 2007 @ 4:37 pm

  4. Oh, Ashley – how could you do this to me? I was so patient…

    Comment by His Sinfulness — November 19, 2007 @ 6:28 pm

  5. That last pic….looks like she’s wearing a diaper.

    Comment by Cat — November 19, 2007 @ 11:41 pm

  6. I actually like the freaky twin’s look. They are one of the few celebs out there with a edgy style. But I do agree about the Dear-in-the-headlights look. It is creepy.

    Comment by Korka — March 14, 2008 @ 2:17 am

  7. I hate the Olsen twins. These dumb bitches wear fur at every opportunity and claim that they are really fashion forward!

    Comment by Janine — March 21, 2008 @ 4:25 pm

  8. Did the olsen twins forget what sunlight was?????

    Comment by Titch — May 15, 2008 @ 11:16 pm

  9. What are these women thinking, I live in Missouri close to where Brad Pitt was raised, I bet his parents would like to pull their hair out, a darling like Jennifer Aniston to a blood sucking bag of bones. I used to like Angelina, but wow, she is not quit right.

    Comment by Billy and Glenda Basinger — June 3, 2008 @ 3:58 am

  10. I thought it was a Lilliputian who found herself nude in my grandmothers parlor, and then decided to fashion a smock from one of her prized candy bowl doilies.

    Comment by Leighfnearpkin — March 18, 2009 @ 11:47 am

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