Slow Adventures in Slothville

August 8, 2008

Friday Foto Roundup: Gah! My Eyes!! Edition

Filed under: Celebrity Whoredom — shhville @ 7:48 pm

Remember 6th grade gym class?

WAIT, come back!

I’m sorry, I should have had a gentler lead-in. I know that thinking about 6th grade gym makes you want to run away and hide and hug yourself tight and rock back and forth and eat a chocolate cake and drink a bottle of gin and take a razor to your thigh. I know. Me too. After this post I promise we will never speak of it again. The ONLY reason I bring it up is this: remember that stamina test they made you do where you have to lean back against the wall with your legs bent at a 90 degree angle, like you’re sitting on an invisible chair? And they would time it, right? And people would get all competitive and shit. Well, I am notoriously feeble and always have been so it should come as no surprise that I could only sit on the air chair for like 12 seconds. I imagine that if I were cracked out and sporting a top-heavy hair-do, it would have been even less. Which is why this picture confuses me:

That CANNOT be comfortable.

Is there something wrong with my perspective? I mean, I don’t even know what I’m looking at here. Amy Winehouse has my 6th grade gym class legs, the distended belly of a starving Ethiopian child, and Elvira’s hive. She’s some kind of fucked up chimera with really strong hamstrings.

Moving on. From the way her feet have been depicted, you would think that these ones belonged to Paris Hilton:

But no.

That’s Jessica Simpson trying to pick up a cigarette butt with her toes. It’s not just that the shoes don’t fit, it’s that her toes look all crimped and splayed and kind of slimy. It’s grossing me out! They look like fingers! Or a squished sea anemone. Can someone explain to me why this picture makes me retch? I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Oh my god, I just found this picture on D-Listed:

Seems as though the always-entertaining Mask Willis and her friend and her friend’s neck were strolling through NYC yesterday. I’m not going to say anything about that guy. I have a waddle myself and just gets worse in the summer when I’m all clammy and puffy. I will point out, though, that Mask’s dress is trying to pull her through the sidewalk by her torso. Those are some mangled dirty pillows right there. OUCH. Set them free!

So, I was wandering through the archives today and came across this great picture of John Hiatt:


And I thought, “Holy crap, he looks like Anthony Bourdain in that picture!” So I went looking for a picture of Bourdain with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and was surprised to come up empty. Here’s the closest I could get – it was disappointing:

But that is neither here nor there. The reason I am telling you this story for this particular Friday Foto Roundup is that I ran across another, different photo of Bourdain in my image search, one that gave me permanent retinal scarring and a bad case of geographical tongue. Good luck scrubbing this out of your brain:

GAH!!! Giant meat peen! Run awaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

Uh! *shudder* Shake it off, shake it off…. Ok, try to enjoy your weekends, folks. I’m sure we’ll all be having the same nightmares.



  1. Just stumbled upon your blog and it’s great! Thanks for helping me kill a friday morning at work! The Bourdain meatnis photo is so wrong, but in a good way!

    Comment by v2plcmc — August 8, 2008 @ 8:52 pm

  2. Nice to know you’re still alive and well.

    Amy Winehouse looks like she’s drunk and trying to take a dump in the corner. Don’t know why everyone thinks she’s so hot. She always looks skanky when I see pictures of her.

    Comment by Vince — August 8, 2008 @ 9:15 pm

  3. Once again, I have NO idea who any of these people are, except Penny. She’d look better in those shoes than the tramp that wore them. Penny Post! Shoe Post! Combined! Awesomeus Maximus!

    Comment by cybele — August 9, 2008 @ 5:32 am

  4. what on EARTH was bordain thinking???


    no. no it won’t, tony.

    my eyes! my beautiful eyes!!!

    Comment by evilsciencechick — August 10, 2008 @ 7:31 am

  5. I almost posted that fab picture of Potato Head! Where would we be without her???

    Comment by Sister Wolf — August 11, 2008 @ 6:36 am

  6. I don’t think I would want meat that close to my meat.

    Maybe the toes are self-aware and wanted a smoke before they ran away and found someone who wouldn’t cram them in to way tiny shoes. Poor toes.

    Comment by Seth — August 12, 2008 @ 10:36 pm

  7. My roommate actually owns the book with that giant meaty phallus photo in it… [shudder]

    Also – I left you a little something on my blog, Slothy. Check the 8/19/08 post. 🙂

    Comment by His Sinfulness — August 21, 2008 @ 11:15 pm

  8. Hahaha oh my god. “giant meat peen” I cannot stop laughing.

    Comment by amanduh — November 10, 2008 @ 6:27 am

  9. i wont to suck jesscas feet

    Comment by faisal — February 2, 2009 @ 2:28 am

  10. Coool!

    Comment by Lenniustr — September 30, 2009 @ 4:15 pm

  11. Hi, very nice blog you have, i like cats and dogs i have also a blog about cats und dogs. On the left side you can use your language (english) to read it.

    Comment by Hundefreund — August 5, 2011 @ 2:17 pm

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