Ooooooooookay. So it’s been too long as always. Do you get tired of me apologizing for down times between postings? WELL TOO FUCKING BAD BECAUSE I AM SORRY.
There is so much. Just so much. LET’S GET STARTED.
First up, our dearly beloved Meg Ryan, whose Michael Jackson-esque plastic surgery downward spiral we have been documenting for some time:
I used to have this boyfriend who was half Korean or Hawaiian or some shit, and his head was so out of proportion to his body that when we started dating I immediately began referring to him as Fathead. We only dated for about two months and the sex was awful because he was kind of dirty and would go to bed without brushing his teeth and then expect me to french him first thing in the morning and after he went down on me with fuzzy teeth I got a yeast infection which I didn’t realize until the next time he went down on me and by then it was too late and it was all EWEWEWNOTGOOD but ANYWAY……….one of my friends told him once that he should go for Halloween as an allergic reaction to a bee sting. And he didn’t. But Meg Ryan is working on her costume as we speak:
Oh, Meg. We like your sparkly fatsuit head. We do. We really, really do. Do you need a hug? I need a hug.
Moving on, when did Morrissey turn into an old hot piece?
Seriously, what happened? And why does this looking-better-with-age bullshit not happen to any woman on earth other than Helen Mirren? Fuck him and fuck her. My muffin top PROTESTS.
My favorite picture from last week is this one, where the full extent of John Mayer’s doucheyness was caught on camera:
Um. Do I even need to say anything here? Ok, I will just say a little thing. I have lots of unwarranted opinions about lots of celebrities. But one that I will FUCKING STAND BY NO MATTER WHAT is that John Mayer is THE BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG IN CHRISTENDOM. I cannot believe that he has an audience and fans and money and a place to live and a heartbeat. I don’t give two craps about Aniston, but I liked her a whole lot better before she hooked up with this slimy piece of slime. And of course now I like her better again (or just feel sorry for her) after Douchy McDouche stood on a corner and made sure that the paparazzi and TMZ and by extension ALL OF US knew that HE broke up with HER and not the other way around and that THEY should leave her poor broken soul ALONE because he has SO MUCH RESPECT for her that he just had to make it perfectly clear that HE WAS THE DUMPER and SHE WAS THE DUMPEE. Yeah, nice hammer pants, asshole. Where’s your giant gold crucifix? It’s the only thing missing from this outfit. Maybe you should use some of that chest hair you wax off or the wispies from your skeezy pussy tickler mustache to transplant into your icky fronthead bald spot, YOU ABUSIVE WHORE.
Speaking of douchebags……
SOMETHING IS REALLY, SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY FUNNY RIGHT NOW. No, for serious, I’m seriously cracking up sooooooooooo much it’s like….
*Sigh* We present the Moore/Willis brood at the premier of The House Bunny.
Mask and Douche Jr. are kind of keeping a straight face at Ashton Kutcher’s patently insincere joviality, but the house bunny behind them is all, “What the fuck is wrong with that guy?”
Uhhhhhh………… I………….. I don’t know. This picture is just so amazing and perfect that nothing I can say will do it justice. You can click the link for anything else you need to know about the Empress of Lucite.
She’s done with you anyway.
Awww, look at her sad little butt pouch. Ok, so up until this point, all that stuff up above I wrote on Friday but then someone came up to me Friday afternoon and offered me free beer and this post was instantly abandoned. So now I’m trying to finish it up first thing on Monday morning before I’ve even had my pretentious cup of tea (local honey, unsweetened vanilla soy milk) or my breakfast (generally sushi around 10:30). So I apologize if this shit kind of peters out here at the end.
I’ve never even once in my life watched American Idol and only know who the past winners have been because of Kathy Griffin’s stand up routine, but from what I understand they have hired a new judge for the show and I just have one suggestion for the producers:
You had better seat these two bitches as FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE from each other because this shit is about to go nuclear. Look at her face – Paula Abdul is so about to cut a bitch. Two seconds after this shot was taken, Paula’s Wolverine claws popped out and jammed right into this no-name ho’s lung – that’s how she rolls. Sassy!
Well, surprisingly, I have several posts lined up for this week so check back in when you get a chance. I’ll finish up here with a little PSA. If you haven’t seen Pushing Daisies, the whopping genius of a genius of a show that was brutally cut short by the writer’s strike in its first trimester, I cannot recommend it enough. Only 9 episodes were completed, but it still received 12 Emmy nominations. The truncated Season 1 DVD will be released on 9/16 and the second season begins on 10/1 on ABC. Do yourself a huge favor: Netflix that shit and watch the show when it returns this fall. You’ll be glad you did!