Slow Adventures in Slothville

September 9, 2008

Trend Alert: Haggard Blondes

Filed under: Celebrity Whoredom — shhville @ 9:01 pm

This trend alert actually ties in with another one on Cityrag, Insulting Rebounds. Our first culprit is the Hollywood ex-boyfriend pooper scooper, Dr. Sunkentits. The Dunster has a habit of picking up Drew Barrymore’s sloppy seconds, which is weird, right? What does that say? Are Drew’s exes suffering from low self esteem? Are they looking for someone to abuse a little bit? How does it makes sense otherwise to go from this:

Hummana!!

Hummana!! Also, reportedly very sweet and nice-smelling.

To this:

DO NOT WANT

DO NOT WANT

Who, even on a good day looks like this:

Also, reportedly stinky and a bad tipper.

Also, reportedly stinky and a bad tipper.

First there was Fabrizio Moretti and now the Mac Guy.

Mac Guy! NOOOOOO!! What are you DOING?

Mac Guy! NOOOOOO!! What are you DOING?

What the hell am I even looking at here? Is that bedhead? Is she 45 years old? They look so furtive and fucked up. ………….Actually, you know what? They look like they’re tripping. Remember acid? Oh my god, I haven’t taken that shit since college, but I remember getting all messy-looking and grinding my teeth a lot which is what Sunkentits looks like she’s doing right there. Justin is staring at trails and Dunster is gnashing her teeth and wishing she had a lollipop.

So anyway, ew and all that. Moving on, Pamela Anderson is also looking pretty haggard these days. Haggard and like she’s trying WAY too hard:

Please

PLEASE

LOVE

LOVE

ME!!!

ME!!!

That’s how she looks on the outside, but I’m pretty sure this is how she looks on the inside:

God, these tits are exhausting...

God, these tits are exhausting...

There are lots of haggard blondes rolling around the hills of L.A. these days. The last one we’ll bother with here is one of the Olsen Twins. Which one? Don’t know, don’t care.

Ill have a bloody mary with extra blood...

I'll have a bloody mary with extra blood...

I’m guessing that these two are in the stinky, bad-tipper category with the Dunster. I can smell them from here. That man is apparently her boyfriend which is……interesting. He looks like a combination of pre-enormous-noggin Val Kilmer and Crispin Glover. We used to have a saying when I worked in high-end retail. “The ones who have the most money are the ones who can afford to dress like their gardeners.” But this chick is a billionaire so, in this case, they can afford to dress like they never even got out of bed this morning.

And that’s it for today. I think I have two separated at births to post this week and then I probably won’t post for a little bit because I’m going on VACATION! Woo!

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3 Comments »

  1. Vacay? Are Sloths invading the Carolinas again? You might be safe on the hurricane front since God (or Bush) is now trying to destroy Texas.

    Maybe it’s how Drew kind of talks out of the side of her mouth (which J hates but I find endearing). I’ve heard the bad tipper thing too, which I don’t ever understand.

    Does Pam not have enough money? Did she blow it all on plastic and tattoos? She really needs to take some time off, be a mom and reevaluate what’s going on. She’s been a bombshell for a long time now, maybe it’s time to take some time off.

    Comment by Seth — September 12, 2008 @ 6:16 pm

  2. It’s kind of delightful to watch no-talent blondies who desperately want to be Raquel Welch plasticize themselves into B-Grade horror monsters, never realizing that only Raquel Welch is Raquel Welch.

    And brunette. Hmmmm…..?

    Comment by cybele — September 12, 2008 @ 7:18 pm

  3. God, how hideous! I’m impressed by your tolerance for awfulness!

    Comment by Sister Wolf — January 13, 2009 @ 6:50 am


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