Slow Adventures in Slothville

August 29, 2008

McCain picks a Doozy. I mean, Floozy

Filed under: Celebrity Whoredom, Politics — shhville @ 11:10 pm

Ok, so I was right in the middle of thinking about thinking about posting when I heard that Sarah Larson was picked for Republican Veep! ALRIGHT SARAH, YOU GO!

Look at her brain wheels spinning while Clooney blathers on – she’s been planning this shit for a while. She’s all, “Just you wait, I’ma be a big fuckin star, bro. I’ma get me a different old man to hang onto and his name’s JOHN MCBAIN!”

Sarah plots her Whitehouse makeover....um, takeover....

Sarah plots her Whitehouse makeover....um, takeover....

*rock me Sarah Larson, uh Sarah Larson….rock me Sarah Larson….*

McCain better watch out, though, I hear that bitch is a biter.

CHOMP!!

CHOMP!!

MCBAIN/LARSON ’08!!!!!!!!!!

August 8, 2008

Friday Foto Roundup: Gah! My Eyes!! Edition

Filed under: Celebrity Whoredom — shhville @ 7:48 pm

Remember 6th grade gym class?

WAIT, come back!

I’m sorry, I should have had a gentler lead-in. I know that thinking about 6th grade gym makes you want to run away and hide and hug yourself tight and rock back and forth and eat a chocolate cake and drink a bottle of gin and take a razor to your thigh. I know. Me too. After this post I promise we will never speak of it again. The ONLY reason I bring it up is this: remember that stamina test they made you do where you have to lean back against the wall with your legs bent at a 90 degree angle, like you’re sitting on an invisible chair? And they would time it, right? And people would get all competitive and shit. Well, I am notoriously feeble and always have been so it should come as no surprise that I could only sit on the air chair for like 12 seconds. I imagine that if I were cracked out and sporting a top-heavy hair-do, it would have been even less. Which is why this picture confuses me:

That CANNOT be comfortable.

Is there something wrong with my perspective? I mean, I don’t even know what I’m looking at here. Amy Winehouse has my 6th grade gym class legs, the distended belly of a starving Ethiopian child, and Elvira’s hive. She’s some kind of fucked up chimera with really strong hamstrings.

Moving on. From the way her feet have been depicted, you would think that these ones belonged to Paris Hilton:

But no.

That’s Jessica Simpson trying to pick up a cigarette butt with her toes. It’s not just that the shoes don’t fit, it’s that her toes look all crimped and splayed and kind of slimy. It’s grossing me out! They look like fingers! Or a squished sea anemone. Can someone explain to me why this picture makes me retch? I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Oh my god, I just found this picture on D-Listed:

Seems as though the always-entertaining Mask Willis and her friend and her friend’s neck were strolling through NYC yesterday. I’m not going to say anything about that guy. I have a waddle myself and just gets worse in the summer when I’m all clammy and puffy. I will point out, though, that Mask’s dress is trying to pull her through the sidewalk by her torso. Those are some mangled dirty pillows right there. OUCH. Set them free!

So, I was wandering through the archives today and came across this great picture of John Hiatt:

Hummana!!

And I thought, “Holy crap, he looks like Anthony Bourdain in that picture!” So I went looking for a picture of Bourdain with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and was surprised to come up empty. Here’s the closest I could get – it was disappointing:

But that is neither here nor there. The reason I am telling you this story for this particular Friday Foto Roundup is that I ran across another, different photo of Bourdain in my image search, one that gave me permanent retinal scarring and a bad case of geographical tongue. Good luck scrubbing this out of your brain:

GAH!!! Giant meat peen! Run awaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

Uh! *shudder* Shake it off, shake it off…. Ok, try to enjoy your weekends, folks. I’m sure we’ll all be having the same nightmares.

August 7, 2008

Breaking: Sloth Not Dead in Ditch

Filed under: Celebrity Whoredom, Penny — shhville @ 9:33 pm

Well, hello to my 3.1 readers! I know, you were envisioning my anonymous corpse rotting in some back woods somewhere while my family and friends scratched their heads and asked each other, “You seen Sloth lately? Bitch don’t come around no more.” Suh! I’m not DEAD. I’m in GRADUATE SCHOOL. I’m fuckin’ busy! Plus, I’m moving and that is a hassle and a half.

Anyway, I figured I’d better put something up here before my blogging license gets revoked. Also, the SAB I wanted to do is teetering on irrelevance, so I have to get on it.

A little while ago Courtney Love was photographed walking around in her granny underpants looking all pale and skeletal and fucked up. Some people thought she looked like a ghost but with that white skin and blood red gaping maw, I thought she resembled someone else altogether:

I think they’d get along great, don’t you? They could share makeup tips and and talk about chaos together. CUTE.

P.S. If you haven’t seen TDK you have problems and I don’t even know how to help you.

And as punctuation on this very quick mini-postette, I give you two recent Penny Pie pictures. Yes, they are of her in bed again. She’s just so cute in the morning! Enjoy.

I’ll try to post my favorite ever picture of Amy Winehouse before the week is out. Ciao!

June 23, 2008

Rihanna is a Reptile and/or Dead Inside

Filed under: Celebrity Whoredom — shhville @ 8:38 pm

Well, I hope you all had a soothing weekend. You’ll need that cache of calmness because we are starting off the week with the super-creepy, soulless alien reptile and mega superstar who doesn’t write her own songs, Rihanna. I don’t know what it is about this chick, but she gives me both the heebies AND the jeebies. You know what, forget that. I know EXACTLY what it is. Just LOOK at her.

Rihanna blue steel

Gah!! Sorry, wrong photo………….

Creepy creepiness

Uhhhhhhhhhhh *shudder*……. She fills me with dread. She’s like a fucking Dementor. Those eyes, they’re so……..flat and dead and reptilian. Maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh. It’s not her fault she was born this way.

Rihanna baby picture

But she scares the crap out of me!

Creepy crocodile

Rihanna pose

And it’s not just when she’s being serious, either. This is not some kind of purposeful affect – she really is a cold-blooded reptile. So cold, in fact, that I believe she has liquid nitrogen for blood, which makes her good for building lasers and getting coffee out of vending machines, but seems to do nothing for her song-writing talent. Check out the dead-eyed smile:

Crocodile smileZombie crocodile

I don’t know if what I’m looking at is hollow and dead or ready to take my hand off, but it is DEFINITELY one or the other. Maybe if I just….tap her on the cheek………*tap tap*……..GAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!

Rihanna lunch

Well, now we know. Consider yourselves warned. Too bad Steve Irwin isn’t around to wrangle this girl…

Insert tasteless joke here.

You know he’d love to get his hands on-

Offended crocodile

What, too soon? Yeah, ok, sorry.

Later cats!

June 20, 2008

Friday Foto Roundup and Penny Porn

Filed under: Celebrity Whoredom, Penny — shhville @ 8:16 pm

Hellooooooo!! Wow, it’s been a long time since I posted. I apologize to my 3.11 readers (Seth counts as 1.11) for being remiss in updating. I was busy GRADUATINGWOOOOOOOO!! and then I got busy doing nothing at all for a while. But my summer class (yes, I am still going on with school, it’s a lifestyle) starts on Monday so I’m coming back to life and Slothville once again.

I HAVE A LOT TO SAY. It’s been building up. I looked at all of the pictures that I have saved to my computer over the last few weeks and realized that it was time for a FRIDAY FOTO ROUNDUP. If you get through the roundup (such a chore) then you will be rewarded with some Penny Porn. Ooooooooohhhh yeeeaaahhhh.

First up, RUMER WILLIS LOOKS LIKE MASK. But wait, I already have to backtrack because when the Robert Redford/Brad Pitt post got Farked I got a TON OF SHIT from THE LAMEST PEOPLE EVER saying that EVERYONE ALREADY KNEW THAT ROBERT REDFORD AND BRAD PITT LOOKED THE SAME, GOD, GET WITH THE TIMES, DUMBASS.

So.

Just in case.

I will say.

THIS MAY HAVE BEEN POINTED OUT BEFORE BY OTHERS. (But I don’t think so, so fuck you, haters.) Ahem.

RUMER WILLIS LOOKS LIKE MASK.

This woman amazes me. Now, I don’t want to bag on her for her looks (……except that that’s exactly what I’m doing so never mind) but she has the most mesmerizing face! I was telling a friend of mine last night about this family I know – the dad is this big, rotund, jolly guy and the mom is this tiny, gorgeous, petite woman. They have a daughter and a son and the girl is big, rotund and jolly while the boy is this itty bitty puppet of a kid. They’re great people and they have a great family, but you KNOW they wish the DNA had been the other way around. I always think of them when I look at Rumer Willis because she got all the right DNA in all the wrong places. She looks like a Worth 1000 contest.

Moving on, Madonna, who has been succumbing to a serious case of Madamism lately, has almost completely morphed into Fay Dunaway.

There has also been a rash of celebrities looking distinctly mask-like. Not kabuki mask, but DEATH MASK. I mean, look at Melanie Griffith:

*sigh*

I feel bad about this because I really like Melanie Griffith and will watch “Working Girl” six hundred and twenty-nine THOUSAND more times in my life if I’m lucky. (Seriously, I cannot get enough of that movie – the mayo on the lip! The towering hair! The EYESHADOW….) But Melanie! Stop! With the plastic surgery! I mean, my god, she looks like she’s in rigor mortis! As does Heather Locklear:

*sigh*

And, famously, Heidi Fleiss.

GAH!!! …..*sigh*

Ok, what else did I want to tell you……..ohhhhhhhhh yes. The other day we allllllmost got to see what is under Donald Trump’s strawberry pompadour!

HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

I fucking LOVE this picture. You know he’s thinking “Shitshitshit is my hair moving? I can feel it moving! Someone is SO FIRED FOR THIS.” It looks like it’s growing tentacles and getting ready to crawl away in search of food – The Donald forgot to feed his head monster! Watch out!

In other news, Bai Ling is living the dream. Here she is on set for some shit movie with Jason Statham, all greased up and humping his leg like a dog.

Ewwwww

But how hot is Statham in this picture? Damn, kiddo. I think I like him better from the side.

And finally, a little visit with the trolls. I can never remember which one is which, but I will go ahead and say here that THIS IS YOUR OLSEN TROLL. THIS IS YOUR OLSEN TROLL ON DRUGS.

Best PSA ever.

Ok, you made it to the end and, as promised, you get some Porny Penny videos. First up, Penny spreads her legs for the camera.

CUTE. Next, Penny does some serious tongue action (in time to classical music).

Have a great weekend everyone!

May 28, 2008

Memorial Day Weekend

Filed under: Family, Penny, Photography — shhville @ 3:15 am

Hi folks, sorry for the lapse in posting. My brain was going in three different directions because I was feeling sad about Felix and stressed about finishing up my papers and exams and SUPER ELATED because I’M GRADUATING. Woooooooo! Partay!! Anyway, we’re BACK from a fun-and-near-tragic-death-filled Memorial Day weekend with the parents and since we have tons of pictures, here’s a quick run-down of our adventures.

We poked around and sniffed everything in the garden from beautiful new flowers…

To the thriving kiwi vine….

To the newly-arrived baby arugula….

Then we went down to the dog beach for a pooch party…

Those poodles – Hattie and Guster – belong to my parents. Brother and sister, adopted when they were 7 years old and goofy as hell. Penny had a blast overseeing the activities and making sure everything went smoothly….

Then we went for a walk around the neighborhood…. [I wanted to put a little video here but YouTube is giving me guff]…….encountering many beautiful views….

…….and some oddities…..dogs and cats and birds, oh my!

When we got home Penny pointed out that she’s getting splotchy on her belly again….

She’s pointing with both front paws.

And then we went over to dad’s for shiskebobs and chardonnay.

The next day we drove up to our friend’s farm in Kennebunk. It is mid-renovation but already looking very cool…

After some puttering we decided to walk through the soon-to-be-planted orchards and down to the stream…

Then disaster struck. About five minutes after I took this video, Penny collapsed and started vomiting…

I picked her up and ran back to the house. She was completely limp and I was completely out of my mind. Here we were in rural Maine, nowhere near anything, on Memorial Day. Where could I even take her?? Thankfully, after about an hour her breathing slowed and she picked up her head. She refused water and was still sluggish, but I felt that the danger, whatever that was, was past. So I put her in the sling so she wouldn’t have to walk and we went to our friend’s OTHER farm for a little bit to have some wine and nachos and generally re-group. Our friend whipped up some fresh quacamole in the picturesque kitchen and we took a short stroll around the grounds.

Penny stayed in the sling, napping….

…..while the other animals did their things…..

And now, we’re home! Yay! Penny is still a little down, but doing much better. She even wanted (and got!) her dinner that night, so I think she is going to be fine. Ciao cats!

May 9, 2008

R.I.P Felix

Filed under: Family, Photography — shhville @ 12:42 am

Felix the Cat, our old curmudgeon of almost 22 years, died on Tuesday. Instead of waxing nostalgic, I’m going to post some old photos and re-publish a post from Fall of 2006 about a little conversation we had. Felix had a good, long life. He killed many a squirrel, irked many a human, and was the king of his territory until the very end.

Felix: “Hey, Sloth, what’s up?”

Sloth: “Nothing, really, I just came to visit for a few days, how are you?”

Felix: “That’s a stupid question. I am completely awesome in every way as always. I’m going to sleep in your lap now because you are the most boring person in the world and you’re allergic to me.” *snore*

Mom: “Did you notice that Felix has a toenail in his ear?”

Sloth: “………He has a what in his what?”

Mom: “He has another cat’s claw embedded in his ear. See it? It’s sticking right out.”

Felix: “No it’s not.”

Sloth: “I thought you were asleep.”

Felix: “I WAS asleep, chatterbox. I do not have a claw in my ear and anyways, I kicked that fucking cat’s ASS. You should have been there, I wrecked him.”

Sloth: “So…..is that how you got the clearly visible claw stuck in your ear?”

Felix: “How would you like a claw stuck in your EYE?”

Mom: “I think he’s feeling a little sensitive about it.”

Fast forward four hours……

Mom: “Hey, Felix, come here a sec, I want to show you something.”

Felix: “Oh, my enthusiasm. It is palpable. What could you possibly – oh, a towel. I love towels. I can sleep on it, eh? And then you’ll put it in Slothy’s bathroom so when she towels off it will make her sneeze? Why does that never stop being funny?”

Mom: “Great idea. Just come here and I’ll wrap you in the towel and hold you in my lap so you can take a nap.”

Felix: “Sweet!” *purrrrrrrrrrrrrr* “Oh! Sloth, hi – I was just dozing here and, uh…..what the fuck??? Dude, get those fucking tweezers away from me, man, I am not even kidding I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING.”

Sloth: “Oh my god, this is so gross. There’s too much blood, I have to go get a paper towel.”

Mom: “Get the hydrogen peroxide too.”

Felix: “Yeah, and don’t forget your last will and testament because I AM SO GOING TO KILL YOU TEN TIMES IN A ROW.”

Fast forward ten minutes……..

Mom: “Did you get it?”

Sloth: “Almost.”

Felix: “MOTHERFUCKER.”

Sloth: “Got it.”

Mom: “Ew.”

Sloth: “Gross.”

Felix: “Can I still sleep in the towel?”

April 30, 2008

Penny Subs In

Filed under: Slothyness — shhville @ 11:10 pm

I have this whole post in my head about celebrity meltdowns, but no time to put it together for you. Life is busy – I’m getting ready to graduate! Here’s a Penny vid for you. She’s the cutest celebrity I know!

April 24, 2008

Spring Morning Sprung

Filed under: Penny — shhville @ 6:59 pm

Morning pooples, it’s gorgeous here. It’s really a perfect day. The only thing that could make this day better is if I wasn’t wicked sick with the Sloth Floo. It’s totally gross, I coughed so hard on the bus this morning that my lung popped right out and hit a little German girl in the eye. Her mom was pretty gracious about it, but still, ew. Since I’ve been laid up in bed for a few days now I have lots of work to catch up on and no time for the post I want to write about celebrities with melting faces, so you get weedio of Penny waking up on this lovely spring day. Later!

April 17, 2008

Back By Poopular Demand

Filed under: Slothyness — shhville @ 7:03 pm

A few people have asked for more Penny-waking-up videos, so here you go – hot off the presses!

Penny waking up this morning:

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