Slow Adventures in Slothville

April 5, 2009

Dead-eyed Celebrities

Filed under: Celebrity Whoredom, Penny — shhville @ 6:20 am

Ok, so I haven’t posted since last September because I got distracted by a few things. I was sucking on the teat of Facebook, finger banging Twitter, and getting pounded by all the election coverage. It was a media orgy and what can I say? I got derailed.

So I’m a little rusty, but Slothville never dies so here I am creaking my bones back into the blogosphere. Now cast your mind back to a more innocent time, when all we knew about her was her affinity for pleather and her umbrella, and you may remember a post I wrote about Rihanna and her dead reptile eyes.  As a refresher:

I will eat your soul.

I will eat your soul.

I will eat your eggs.

I will eat your eggs.

Well, lately I’ve been watching “Kings” on Sunday nights (at 8 pm, on NBC, watch it before it winds up in the brilliant-but-canceled pile with “Arrested Development,” “Pushing Daisies,” and “Firefly”). One of the stars of the show is Chris Egan who is somehow great for the show, but who has the emotive capacity of a really, really fuckable stump.

No, not this guy

No, not this guy

This guy.

This guy.

And it has rekindled my obsession with the vacant/sinister-eyed celebrity. You know who else looks like her brain is made of cinders and……..aliens? Megan Fox. Check it:

Sure, you can put it my butt...

Sure, you can put it in my butt...

....but then I'm going to eat your children.

....but then I'm going to eat your children.

OOH, I just thought of another one! I also happen to watch “The Mentalist” on Tuesday nights. I can’t recommend it because it’s completely retarded, but I keep watching because of Simon Baker who is the star (and another fuckable stump – you see how it’s a trend?). I can’t explain it. I think it’s the lip gloss he always wears, it’s mesmerizing.

No, not this guy

No, not this guy

This guy.

This guy.

And speaking of Val Kilmer (the universal prototype for this species of alien/celebrity), we can all thank his dead eyes for getting him cast in his most memorable role:

You're dangerous, Maverick! ...To my heterosexuality...

You're dangerous, Maverick! ...To my heterosexuality...

I asked Penny what she thought about all this and she broke out her best Val Kilmer impression:

You can be my wingman any time.

You can be my wingman any time.

Any other creepy reptilian celebrities you can think of? Later, cats!



  1. I’m so glad you’re back! (’bout damn time…)

    Comment by His Sinfulness — April 5, 2009 @ 8:00 pm

  2. You are a weird ass

    Comment by Better Than You — May 2, 2009 @ 10:15 am

  3. Okay, so the truth MAY have been revealed. What is going to happen next? How long have these hybrids been mixed within us? Are there any ‘good will’ halfbreeds in the mix. Another thing, WTF are we so preooccupied with the minute icons on the celeberty totem pole? What about the ones who are leading us to be bred to die? What about the POLITIANS? The ones who are really in charge.
    Obama is a freak with 200 tongues and 300 heads, but he’s still a puppet. Ans so are we (puppets). Like Jewel asks; “who will save your soul?” Obama is an affirmative action hire pin-up. You think the world dislikes blacks now, wait til this President gets done. Blacks will be walking targets. Yes, I am bi-racial.
    And Beyonce is a creature….a big ugly screetching one.

    Comment by whorwe — June 20, 2009 @ 10:24 pm

  4. Thanks for the laugh! Penny did an awesome impression.

    Comment by Racquel — July 12, 2009 @ 10:21 pm

  5. lop gloss contains substances that comes from fish scales, i think that is the stuff that makes the gloss .

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