Put this on the list of things that are NOT APPRECIATED: Penny is all done with the manhandling (slothhandling).
WHY HAVE YOU PICKED ME UP
NO I DO NOT WANT TO DANCE BACK AND FORTH
THIS IS ABOUT TO GET UGLY
RAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
YEAH THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
Oh, HEY, it’s the premiere of the new Valentino documentary! Look at all the celebrities!
Anne Hathaway! Oh, Aaaaaaaaaaaaaanne. You are looking scrumptious.
My skin! So pale! So flawless!
And check out those SHOES, girlfriend! You are SMOKIN’ HOT.
My drapes match the carpet. And my shoes match the other carpet.
Oh, and HELLO, Gwyneth P is in the hizzouse!
They re-cast me in Iron Man 2! SUCK IT, TERRENCE.
And, OH HONEY, check out those shoes!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!
I am a macrobiotic GODDESS.
Well, I can only say I wish I had been there!
No you don't. Ahahaha! Hiiiii, honey, just...not so much touching, ok? OH. God.
Enjoy the show everyone!!
Utah!! Get me two
tickets to Crazy Town.
Ok, so I haven’t posted since last September because I got distracted by a few things. I was sucking on the teat of Facebook, finger banging Twitter, and getting pounded by all the election coverage. It was a media orgy and what can I say? I got derailed.
So I’m a little rusty, but Slothville never dies so here I am creaking my bones back into the blogosphere. Now cast your mind back to a more innocent time, when all we knew about her was her affinity for pleather and her umbrella, and you may remember a post I wrote about Rihanna and her dead reptile eyes. As a refresher:
I will eat your soul.
I will eat your eggs.
Well, lately I’ve been watching “Kings” on Sunday nights (at 8 pm, on NBC, watch it before it winds up in the brilliant-but-canceled pile with “Arrested Development,” “Pushing Daisies,” and “Firefly”). One of the stars of the show is Chris Egan who is somehow great for the show, but who has the emotive capacity of a really, really fuckable stump.
No, not this guy
This guy.
And it has rekindled my obsession with the vacant/sinister-eyed celebrity. You know who else looks like her brain is made of cinders and……..aliens? Megan Fox. Check it:
Sure, you can put it in my butt...
....but then I'm going to eat your children.
OOH, I just thought of another one! I also happen to watch “The Mentalist” on Tuesday nights. I can’t recommend it because it’s completely retarded, but I keep watching because of Simon Baker who is the star (and another fuckable stump – you see how it’s a trend?). I can’t explain it. I think it’s the lip gloss he always wears, it’s mesmerizing.
No, not this guy
This guy.
And speaking of Val Kilmer (the universal prototype for this species of alien/celebrity), we can all thank his dead eyes for getting him cast in his most memorable role:
You're dangerous, Maverick! ...To my heterosexuality...
I asked Penny what she thought about all this and she broke out her best Val Kilmer impression:
You can be my wingman any time.
Any other creepy reptilian celebrities you can think of? Later, cats!
So, I intended to post this last week but then I got all cracked out on the election coverage and was busy posting things to my Facebook page every five seconds. The world, it seems, has gone completely mad and now David Foster Wallace has offed himself which makes the world madder still. Is it any real surprise, then, that Kevin Spacey is turning into Tony Soprano?
Now, I should own that I have never actually watched the Sopranos, but I know EXACTLY who that guy is. He’s the dude who beat the living shit out of Patricia Arquette in “True Romance” before she smeared shampoo in his eyes, set him on fire, stabbed him with a corkscrew and shot him in the chest with a 12-gauge, not necessarily in that order.
When he’s not kicking the crap out of deliciously curvy ex-call girls, this is Tony Soprano:
Gay Mafia Kingpin
And this is Tony Soprano on drugs (with his rent boy):
COMPLETELY
FUCKING
HIGH
And that’s your PSA for today. Later, cats!
This trend alert actually ties in with another one on Cityrag, Insulting Rebounds. Our first culprit is the Hollywood ex-boyfriend pooper scooper, Dr. Sunkentits. The Dunster has a habit of picking up Drew Barrymore’s sloppy seconds, which is weird, right? What does that say? Are Drew’s exes suffering from low self esteem? Are they looking for someone to abuse a little bit? How does it makes sense otherwise to go from this:
Hummana!! Also, reportedly very sweet and nice-smelling.
To this:
DO NOT WANT
Who, even on a good day looks like this:
Also, reportedly stinky and a bad tipper.
First there was Fabrizio Moretti and now the Mac Guy.
Mac Guy! NOOOOOO!! What are you DOING?
What the hell am I even looking at here? Is that bedhead? Is she 45 years old? They look so furtive and fucked up. ………….Actually, you know what? They look like they’re tripping. Remember acid? Oh my god, I haven’t taken that shit since college, but I remember getting all messy-looking and grinding my teeth a lot which is what Sunkentits looks like she’s doing right there. Justin is staring at trails and Dunster is gnashing her teeth and wishing she had a lollipop.
So anyway, ew and all that. Moving on, Pamela Anderson is also looking pretty haggard these days. Haggard and like she’s trying WAY too hard:
PLEASE
LOVE
ME!!!
That’s how she looks on the outside, but I’m pretty sure this is how she looks on the inside:
God, these tits are exhausting...
There are lots of haggard blondes rolling around the hills of L.A. these days. The last one we’ll bother with here is one of the Olsen Twins. Which one? Don’t know, don’t care.
I'll have a bloody mary with extra blood...
I’m guessing that these two are in the stinky, bad-tipper category with the Dunster. I can smell them from here. That man is apparently her boyfriend which is……interesting. He looks like a combination of pre-enormous-noggin Val Kilmer and Crispin Glover. We used to have a saying when I worked in high-end retail. “The ones who have the most money are the ones who can afford to dress like their gardeners.” But this chick is a billionaire so, in this case, they can afford to dress like they never even got out of bed this morning.
And that’s it for today. I think I have two separated at births to post this week and then I probably won’t post for a little bit because I’m going on VACATION! Woo!
Ooooooooookay. So it’s been too long as always. Do you get tired of me apologizing for down times between postings? WELL TOO FUCKING BAD BECAUSE I AM SORRY.
There is so much. Just so much. LET’S GET STARTED.
First up, our dearly beloved Meg Ryan, whose Michael Jackson-esque plastic surgery downward spiral we have been documenting for some time:
Meg Ryan playing the controversial role of my ex boyfriend.
I used to have this boyfriend who was half Korean or Hawaiian or some shit, and his head was so out of proportion to his body that when we started dating I immediately began referring to him as Fathead. We only dated for about two months and the sex was awful because he was kind of dirty and would go to bed without brushing his teeth and then expect me to french him first thing in the morning and after he went down on me with fuzzy teeth I got a yeast infection which I didn’t realize until the next time he went down on me and by then it was too late and it was all EWEWEWNOTGOOD but ANYWAY……….one of my friends told him once that he should go for Halloween as an allergic reaction to a bee sting. And he didn’t. But Meg Ryan is working on her costume as we speak:
Awwwwwwww
Oh, Meg. We like your sparkly fatsuit head. We do. We really, really do. Do you need a hug? I need a hug.
Moving on, when did Morrissey turn into an old hot piece?
Morrissey Clooney?
Seriously, what happened? And why does this looking-better-with-age bullshit not happen to any woman on earth other than Helen Mirren? Fuck him and fuck her. My muffin top PROTESTS.
My favorite picture from last week is this one, where the full extent of John Mayer’s doucheyness was caught on camera:
Douchebag chic
Um. Do I even need to say anything here? Ok, I will just say a little thing. I have lots of unwarranted opinions about lots of celebrities. But one that I will FUCKING STAND BY NO MATTER WHAT is that John Mayer is THE BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG IN CHRISTENDOM. I cannot believe that he has an audience and fans and money and a place to live and a heartbeat. I don’t give two craps about Aniston, but I liked her a whole lot better before she hooked up with this slimy piece of slime. And of course now I like her better again (or just feel sorry for her) after Douchy McDouche stood on a corner and made sure that the paparazzi and TMZ and by extension ALL OF US knew that HE broke up with HER and not the other way around and that THEY should leave her poor broken soul ALONE because he has SO MUCH RESPECT for her that he just had to make it perfectly clear that HE WAS THE DUMPER and SHE WAS THE DUMPEE. Yeah, nice hammer pants, asshole. Where’s your giant gold crucifix? It’s the only thing missing from this outfit. Maybe you should use some of that chest hair you wax off or the wispies from your skeezy pussy tickler mustache to transplant into your icky fronthead bald spot, YOU ABUSIVE WHORE.
Ahem.
Speaking of douchebags……
HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAorwhatever
SOMETHING IS REALLY, SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY FUNNY RIGHT NOW. No, for serious, I’m seriously cracking up sooooooooooo much it’s like….
*Sigh* We present the Moore/Willis brood at the premier of The House Bunny.
Mask and Douche Jr. are kind of keeping a straight face at Ashton Kutcher’s patently insincere joviality, but the house bunny behind them is all, “What the fuck is wrong with that guy?”
Oh Em Gee, is that Ashton Doucher?
Ummmmmmmmmmm…………..
Shauna Sand is a miracle
Uhhhhhh………… I………….. I don’t know. This picture is just so amazing and perfect that nothing I can say will do it justice. You can click the link for anything else you need to know about the Empress of Lucite.
She’s done with you anyway.
Buh-Bye!
Awww, look at her sad little butt pouch. Ok, so up until this point, all that stuff up above I wrote on Friday but then someone came up to me Friday afternoon and offered me free beer and this post was instantly abandoned. So now I’m trying to finish it up first thing on Monday morning before I’ve even had my pretentious cup of tea (local honey, unsweetened vanilla soy milk) or my breakfast (generally sushi around 10:30). So I apologize if this shit kind of peters out here at the end.
I’ve never even once in my life watched American Idol and only know who the past winners have been because of Kathy Griffin’s stand up routine, but from what I understand they have hired a new judge for the show and I just have one suggestion for the producers:
REEEEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWRRRR!!!!
You had better seat these two bitches as FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE from each other because this shit is about to go nuclear. Look at her face – Paula Abdul is so about to cut a bitch. Two seconds after this shot was taken, Paula’s Wolverine claws popped out and jammed right into this no-name ho’s lung – that’s how she rolls. Sassy!
Well, surprisingly, I have several posts lined up for this week so check back in when you get a chance. I’ll finish up here with a little PSA. If you haven’t seen Pushing Daisies, the whopping genius of a genius of a show that was brutally cut short by the writer’s strike in its first trimester, I cannot recommend it enough. Only 9 episodes were completed, but it still received 12 Emmy nominations. The truncated Season 1 DVD will be released on 9/16 and the second season begins on 10/1 on ABC. Do yourself a huge favor: Netflix that shit and watch the show when it returns this fall. You’ll be glad you did!
Um, yes please.
Ok, so I was right in the middle of thinking about thinking about posting when I heard that Sarah Larson was picked for Republican Veep! ALRIGHT SARAH, YOU GO!
Look at her brain wheels spinning while Clooney blathers on – she’s been planning this shit for a while. She’s all, “Just you wait, I’ma be a big fuckin star, bro. I’ma get me a different old man to hang onto and his name’s JOHN MCBAIN!”
Sarah plots her Whitehouse makeover....um, takeover....
*rock me Sarah Larson, uh Sarah Larson….rock me Sarah Larson….*
McCain better watch out, though, I hear that bitch is a biter.
CHOMP!!
MCBAIN/LARSON ‘08!!!!!!!!!!
Remember 6th grade gym class?
WAIT, come back!
I’m sorry, I should have had a gentler lead-in. I know that thinking about 6th grade gym makes you want to run away and hide and hug yourself tight and rock back and forth and eat a chocolate cake and drink a bottle of gin and take a razor to your thigh. I know. Me too. After this post I promise we will never speak of it again. The ONLY reason I bring it up is this: remember that stamina test they made you do where you have to lean back against the wall with your legs bent at a 90 degree angle, like you’re sitting on an invisible chair? And they would time it, right? And people would get all competitive and shit. Well, I am notoriously feeble and always have been so it should come as no surprise that I could only sit on the air chair for like 12 seconds. I imagine that if I were cracked out and sporting a top-heavy hair-do, it would have been even less. Which is why this picture confuses me:
That CANNOT be comfortable.
Is there something wrong with my perspective? I mean, I don’t even know what I’m looking at here. Amy Winehouse has my 6th grade gym class legs, the distended belly of a starving Ethiopian child, and Elvira’s hive. She’s some kind of fucked up chimera with really strong hamstrings.
Moving on. From the way her feet have been depicted, you would think that these ones belonged to Paris Hilton:
But no.
That’s Jessica Simpson trying to pick up a cigarette butt with her toes. It’s not just that the shoes don’t fit, it’s that her toes look all crimped and splayed and kind of slimy. It’s grossing me out! They look like fingers! Or a squished sea anemone. Can someone explain to me why this picture makes me retch? I can’t quite put my finger on it.
Oh my god, I just found this picture on D-Listed:
Seems as though the always-entertaining Mask Willis and her friend and her friend’s neck were strolling through NYC yesterday. I’m not going to say anything about that guy. I have a waddle myself and just gets worse in the summer when I’m all clammy and puffy. I will point out, though, that Mask’s dress is trying to pull her through the sidewalk by her torso. Those are some mangled dirty pillows right there. OUCH. Set them free!
So, I was wandering through the archives today and came across this great picture of John Hiatt:
Hummana!!
And I thought, “Holy crap, he looks like Anthony Bourdain in that picture!” So I went looking for a picture of Bourdain with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and was surprised to come up empty. Here’s the closest I could get – it was disappointing:
But that is neither here nor there. The reason I am telling you this story for this particular Friday Foto Roundup is that I ran across another, different photo of Bourdain in my image search, one that gave me permanent retinal scarring and a bad case of geographical tongue. Good luck scrubbing this out of your brain:
GAH!!! Giant meat peen! Run awaaaaaaaaaaay!!!
Uh! *shudder* Shake it off, shake it off…. Ok, try to enjoy your weekends, folks. I’m sure we’ll all be having the same nightmares.
Well, hello to my 3.1 readers! I know, you were envisioning my anonymous corpse rotting in some back woods somewhere while my family and friends scratched their heads and asked each other, “You seen Sloth lately? Bitch don’t come around no more.” Suh! I’m not DEAD. I’m in GRADUATE SCHOOL. I’m fuckin’ busy! Plus, I’m moving and that is a hassle and a half.
Anyway, I figured I’d better put something up here before my blogging license gets revoked. Also, the SAB I wanted to do is teetering on irrelevance, so I have to get on it.
A little while ago Courtney Love was photographed walking around in her granny underpants looking all pale and skeletal and fucked up. Some people thought she looked like a ghost but with that white skin and blood red gaping maw, I thought she resembled someone else altogether:
I think they’d get along great, don’t you? They could share makeup tips and and talk about chaos together. CUTE.
P.S. If you haven’t seen TDK you have problems and I don’t even know how to help you.
And as punctuation on this very quick mini-postette, I give you two recent Penny Pie pictures. Yes, they are of her in bed again. She’s just so cute in the morning! Enjoy.
I’ll try to post my favorite ever picture of Amy Winehouse before the week is out. Ciao!
