R.I.P Felix

Felix the Cat, our old curmudgeon of almost 22 years, died on Tuesday. Instead of waxing nostalgic, I’m going to post some old photos and re-publish a post from Fall of 2006 about a little conversation we had. Felix had a good, long life. He killed many a squirrel, irked many a human, and was the king of his territory until the very end.

Felix: “Hey, Sloth, what’s up?”

Sloth: “Nothing, really, I just came to visit for a few days, how are you?”

Felix: “That’s a stupid question. I am completely awesome in every way as always. I’m going to sleep in your lap now because you are the most boring person in the world and you’re allergic to me.” *snore*

Mom: “Did you notice that Felix has a toenail in his ear?”

Sloth: “………He has a what in his what?”

Mom: “He has another cat’s claw embedded in his ear. See it? It’s sticking right out.”

Felix: “No it’s not.”

Sloth: “I thought you were asleep.”

Felix: “I WAS asleep, chatterbox. I do not have a claw in my ear and anyways, I kicked that fucking cat’s ASS. You should have been there, I wrecked him.”

Sloth: “So…..is that how you got the clearly visible claw stuck in your ear?”

Felix: “How would you like a claw stuck in your EYE?”

Mom: “I think he’s feeling a little sensitive about it.”

Fast forward four hours……

Mom: “Hey, Felix, come here a sec, I want to show you something.”

Felix: “Oh, my enthusiasm. It is palpable. What could you possibly - oh, a towel. I love towels. I can sleep on it, eh? And then you’ll put it in Slothy’s bathroom so when she towels off it will make her sneeze? Why does that never stop being funny?”

Mom: “Great idea. Just come here and I’ll wrap you in the towel and hold you in my lap so you can take a nap.”

Felix: “Sweet!” *purrrrrrrrrrrrrr* “Oh! Sloth, hi - I was just dozing here and, uh…..what the fuck??? Dude, get those fucking tweezers away from me, man, I am not even kidding I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING.”

Sloth: “Oh my god, this is so gross. There’s too much blood, I have to go get a paper towel.”

Mom: “Get the hydrogen peroxide too.”

Felix: “Yeah, and don’t forget your last will and testament because I AM SO GOING TO KILL YOU TEN TIMES IN A ROW.”

Fast forward ten minutes……..

Mom: “Did you get it?”

Sloth: “Almost.”

Felix: “MOTHERFUCKER.”

Sloth: “Got it.”

Mom: “Ew.”

Sloth: “Gross.”

Felix: “Can I still sleep in the towel?”

Penny Subs In

I have this whole post in my head about celebrity meltdowns, but no time to put it together for you. Life is busy - I’m getting ready to graduate! Here’s a Penny vid for you. She’s the cutest celebrity I know!

Spring Morning Sprung

Morning pooples, it’s gorgeous here. It’s really a perfect day. The only thing that could make this day better is if I wasn’t wicked sick with the Sloth Floo. It’s totally gross, I coughed so hard on the bus this morning that my lung popped right out and hit a little German girl in the eye. Her mom was pretty gracious about it, but still, ew. Since I’ve been laid up in bed for a few days now I have lots of work to catch up on and no time for the post I want to write about celebrities with melting faces, so you get weedio of Penny waking up on this lovely spring day. Later!

Back By Poopular Demand

A few people have asked for more Penny-waking-up videos, so here you go - hot off the presses!

Penny waking up this morning:

Separated at Birth: Guys and Dolls Edition

I’ve never been a fan of John Travolta’s. I don’t care that he’s bisexual (and he is, trust) but his sleazy attempts to pick up bartenders and masseuses who are just trying to do their jobs……ech. Plus the Scientology shit - that’s grosser than a happy ending any day. So I was mildly amused the other day to note that JT has gone from this:

Which is already gnasty as far as I’m concerned - you can totally tell by looking at him that he’s one of those guys who gets his sloppy lips all over your face when he kisses and you end up with sticky bad-breath spit all around your mouth and in your nose. Ew. Plus he has a butthole in his chin. To this:

Which to me is indistinguishable from this:

And makes me want to do this:

Also, check out JT’s 3 a.m. mistake. Actually, I think this one is Zac Efron’s mistake, if someone has to own it:

Watch out, Zac! We know you’re a bottom and Trav looks like a guy who’s swingin’ some serious pipe. Remember your three most important things: LUBE, LUBE, and LUBE.

Moving on, there’s all this shit going on around Dr. Phil today. I guess his staff bailed some gangbanger out of jail so he could interview her and now everyone’s in a tizzy. Whatever, I won’t be concerned about Dr. Phil unless he shows some good judgment and doesn’t stick his fat mug into everyone’s business because that means Armageddon is here.

I don’t want to waste any more time on this douchebag, here is the SAB:

The only diff between the two is one has a tendency to wear way too much tinted lip gloss.

In other news, Beaker McConahayisforhorses showed up to his “Fool’s Gold” premiere looking like the C3PO Pez dispenser:

And rejuvenated hottie Robert Downey Jr. showed up to his “Iron Man” premiere looking like the Pee Wee Herman doll:

Whatever, DowneyFresh is SMOKIN’ these days.

And finally, a little retrospective back to a time when Mick Jagger looked like everyone’s favorite perfect doll, Angelina Jolie:

Creepy AND hot! A perfect combination. Later, cats!

Celebrities Are Goofballs Too

So much of celebrity beauty depends on rigid control of the face. Botox serves more than one purpose - it smooths out the wrinkles and makes risky facial expressions impossible. In order to maintain that perfect red carpet/photo spread image, celebrities employ either the coy, close-lipped smile or the full-on pout - there really isn’t much else. And the consequences of them actually letting the mask down and acting like human beings for a second can be charming, disarming, disturbing, and awesome. Sometimes all at once.

Case in point: Cynthia Nixon

Ok, first of all, I LOVE Cynthia Nixon. She was always my favorite on “Sex and the City” and even more so when they fixed her hair and started dressing her better (no more kelly green power suits, thanks). In real life, she is cool as hell and solidly in the HOT category.

ZING!!!

One of my favorite things about Cynthia is her wacko, goofball smile which she was more than generous with on the show. Frankly, I’ve missed it. BUT HEY GUESS WHAT

It’s back!!! Woo! This is one of the promo shots for the new “Sex and the City” movie coming out soon. Isn’t she adorable?

Another example of the goofy celebrity smile, and probably my favorite because it’s been all over the place lately, is Miss Renee Zellweger.

First off: the dependable coy smile.

And let’s stick a pout in there too, why not:

And now for the reason why Renee will always have a special place in my heart:

CUTE. I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t say it, but………..she looks SO Chinese in this picture. Like a Chinese turtle. If I had any photoshop skills I would paste one of those Asian triangle hats onto her head and a turtle shell under her chin. OH EM GEE SO CUTE.

Ok, but this one is even better. Renee has been all over the place promoting “Leatherheads” lately and I think sommmmmmebody had a little jetlag last week.

HAHAHAHAHAHA…………………SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUUUUUUUUUTE.

This is what happens when you botox the shit out of yourself, people. Adorable Chinese Turtle time.

Of course, the Tom Cruise creepy smile phenomenon is nothing new, but the worst one I’ve seen yet showed up on the interwebs today. First, the nostalgia:

Awwwwwwwwwwww……..I shed a tear for Tom. Anyway, so that’s a good pout, right?

MAKE WAY FOR THE JOWLY INSANITY:

GAHahahahahahahaha……Oh, Tom. How is possible to look like you just smelled a dead bird wrapped in a shit burrito AND be laughing hysterically? I don’t know, but I love it.

Finally, the most beautiful woman in the world. Yes, even Angelina Jolie has precious goofball smile.

First, the pout:

Hummana. Everyone who hates Angelina Jolie can suck it. You only hate her because her complete and total awesomeness is intimidating. LAME. Anyway, check out her BIG LAUGH SMILE:

GAH! Oh, sorry, wrong photo.

So THAT’S what’s behind those mattress lips! The alien retractable mouth! Fuck it, she’s warming my cockles with that goofy cuteness, and I don’t even HAVE a cockle.

That’s it for this week - have a great weekend, cat o’ mines!

Hot or Not: Mena Suvari

In this inaugural edition of Slothville’s Hot or Not feature, we take a look at quirky quirkster Mena Suvari. Heralded as an American beauty since “American Beauty,” I’ve always found something *off* about her. First of all, there’s the forehead:

The hell? How big IS her brain, anyway? Girl had BETTER be in MENSA. But a big forehead can be sexy, yes? It’s a matter of perspective. It’s kind of hot because it’s unique. So…………….ok, forehead is working. It’s what she does to cover up that forehead that has me confused.

GAH!! NOT GOOD. I think Ricky Martin wrote “She Bangs” about Mena Suvari.

So then Mena went and shaved her head which was both EXTREMELY HOT:

And EXTREMELY NOT:

I asked Penny what she thought about all this and she was like, “Dude, lay off, she’s my cousin.”

I can definitely see the resemblance.

But in general I was impressed by how well Mena rocked the bald. She didn’t go for a wig or a nasty-ass weave (ahem) and for the most part she remained solidly in the Hot category.

Um…………YUM.

The Verdict: HOT.

Was there ever any doubt?

Later cats! (And thanks to Sarah for today’s post idea.)

Penny Fix!

Sorry to ignore lately, I’ve been frittering away all my time on Facebook. Fucking FACEBOOK because they have Scrabulous and Scramble - shit is crack cocaine.

Here you are - a quick Penny fix. She fixes everything. This works like a flipbook, ready?

Penny’s Bedroom Adventures! Ooh la la!

5 pages:

3 Pages:

And 3 last pages!

Later Cats!

CKMW + Separated at Birth: Super Spawn Edition

(CKMW = Celebrity Kabuki Mask Watch)

Remember when Meg Ryan was cute and not terrifying?

Vaguely, right? Crying over Goose in “Top Gun” and faking orgasms in “When Harry Met Sally”………cute!

Well, pretty soon after she had that gross affair with Russel Crowe…

…..(*shudder*) on the set of their awful cheesefest action unpacked crap nugget of a movie, “Proof of Life,” she started to morph into the Cat in the Hat.

Enough with the Restylane, woman! Jesus Christo!

So, this tragedy has been a snowball rolling downhill for some time now.

But then, TODAY………I discovered an image that chilled me to my very core. D-Listed posted a story about the Meg Ryan facial sadness mess and it would seem that Miss Meg is the super spawn of this guy…

This guy:

And this bitch:

LOOK OUT WORLD, IT’S THE JOKUBI IN THE HAT! Ok, minus the hat.

Meg: “Could you move my jaw for me so I can stop smiling and eat?”

Tom: “DO NOT WANT.”

Later, cats!

Tim Gunn’s 3 a.m. Mistake

I think we all saw this coming, right?

MWAH!!